At the age of 26 I became independent for the first time. That is when I started to abuse alcohol and drugs. Then in July my mother passed away. This was devastating for me and I was unable to cope with her death. I started go to the bars and hanging around with the wrong crowd. I did everything I could to make these people like me in order to try and fill the void that I was feeling. I even gave them money and so that they could use it to support there addiction while I was still supporting my own addiction. I let them use me so they would be my friends.
…he whose might is his god. Habakkuk 1:17, ASV
It isn’t often that such a short phrase of scripture so impacts my heart, but since running across these six words in my reading of Habakkuk earlier this week, I haven’t been able to put them out of my mind.
My recovery birthday is the day I registered at CIR. It was shortly after I joined. I chose it because I began to seriously take on my recovery as a whole: Alcohol, Codependency, Sex/love addiction, Bulimia (teens-20’s), then became Compulsive overeater, Workaholic, PTSD from Childhood rape/molestation…..abuses/ bullying of every variety including self-inflicted. I experienced a date rape with an abortion in 1994 (I died / stayed dead in many ways until CIR). All are interconnected.
I have since found a measure of serenity, of freedom from sin (or enslavement to righteousness) !!!! Romans 6:15-17), healing in the areas my mental illness/health problems & I have found the blessing of relationship/fellowship.
Relationships are built on the quality of our conceitedness to God.
People can be so quick to judge. I sometimes am guilty of this. It is an issue that I struggle with. Maybe it is because I so badly need to affirm my fragile righteousness, I don’t know. What I do know is that Jesus wasn’t like that and I need to acquire this knowledge quickly.
Jesus is always gentle with anyone who seeks His help. That person might not receive the help neatly wrapped in a predictable way; that is in a way they perceive.
There are those who would consider that going through the recovery process is far from joyful. For most of us there is a great deal of pain along the recovery path.
James 1:2-4 (Amplified)
Count it all joy, my brethren, when ye fall into manifold temptations;
Knowing that the proving of your faith worketh patience.
And let patience have its’ perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, lacking in nothing.
The historical account of Job is one of pain, loss, suffering, and God’s wise control. The long and short of this book of the Bible is this: Job was a stand-up guy. He was faithful to God. He had a family, a farm, and a good life. One day, God and Satan were having a conversation about Job and his faithfulness to God. Satan believes he can turn Job against God and God accepts the challenge. While God is watching, Job loses everything. He loses his farm, his wife, and his sons.
Okay, let’s stop there. So, God allowed Satan to test Job’s faithfulness? Yes, but you see, while God allowed this, He was in complete control the entire time. God knows all things; therefore, He knew Job would remain faithful. So why would God allow Job’s suffering? I don’t know the answer to that for sure, but I believe there is purpose in our pain. I believe that God works all things according to His purpose and for my good.
In the end, Job remained faithful to the Lord and he was rewarded for his faithfulness. The same is true for me and for you. What does this have to do with Step Four?
While working through my searching and fearless moral inventory, I have to remain faithful to God. I know His
Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
Remember the feeling of December 26th? The big buildup, the anticipation, and the excitement of The Big Event, and then—what?
Disappointment? Disillusionment? What do you do when the day after the big day is just like any other day?
Easter always feels like that for me. The full parking lot and the overflow crowd at church, the incredible music, a special sunrise experience, a wonderful meal.
Christos Anesti (Christ is risen!)
Alithos Anesti (He is risen indeed!)
And then suddenly it’s Monday, and the traffic’s congested and my friend’s grandpa dies and my talk for next week isn’t coming together. Nothing’s changed.
It’s so easy to get excited by the “mountaintop experiences” that transport me to another world.
In the work of recovery, we address the danger of triggers. Its very word itself suggests the power to cause us harm:
“Something that precipitates a particular event or situation; To set off; initiate; To fire or explode.”
On one August morning of 2003, I encounter such a trigger. The phone rang. My dad was dead.
My grief, for the next year and a half, was an alarming, unexpected reality. And each subsequent “anniversary” proves equally tricky also. Both defy what I thought I would – or should – be experiencing.
After all, coming from an abusive childhood, I didn’t think the loss of this pain-inflicting parent would register as significantly as it did.
…that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.Romans 10:9
Some days I am just tired. Some days I have a difficult time with letting go and giving my worries to God. Some days I have the full confidence I can let God be God and other days I want to wrestle control back into my grip. Do you ever feel this way?
Trusting others has been difficult for me. People have hurt me over the years and trust did not come naturally for me as a result. My husband, Patrick, never gave me a reason not to trust him, but still I questioned him in my mind. After he stopped drinking over a year ago, I wasn’t sure I could trust he would continue to abstain.
This lack of trust carried over into my relationship with Jesus. Could I trust Him? Could I take His Word for truth? Could I believe He loved me despite the past I carried with me? I worked against God’s way for so many years, how could He possibly love me?