The truth is ALL marriages go through a period of time, usually after a year or two of marriage where the feelings of love seem to be lost…but it is not love that is lost but those giddy feelings that a person has when they experience a new relationship. Love can’t be lost because love is not a feeling but something you do! When a husband says he lost love for his wife, he means to say, “I want that feeling back so I can love my wife”. Couples BASE their marriage on how they feel rather than principled acts of love.
When the euphoric feelings are gone and the marriage seems to be in the doldrums some couples believe themselves to not be “in love” anymore. When someone says I’m not “in love” with you anymore, what he or she should be saying is “I don’t want to love you anymore”. But letting our feelings dictate what we will do in our marriage is not what God expects from us as Christ Ones. If we profess to be Christians then we just need to love our spouse through the good times and bad times and be responsible for what we started!
What Can You Do When a Spouse Says They Are
Not “In Love” with You Anymore?
First, read this marriage column with your spouse and click on all of the links that lead to articles that give more detail. Then come together in prayer and work on learning to “do” loving things for each other, rather than waiting on a feeling to happen. Sometimes, especially if we have been conditioned into believing views of the world, it will take effort to love our spouse but once we begin to do it, always focusing on the creator of love, it becomes a part of who we are. In other words, couples can love each other; they just have to start doing it!
Charity (love) suffereth long
Charity envieth not
Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up
Charity doth, not behave itself unseemly
Charity seeketh no her own
Charity is not easily provoked
Charity thinketh no evil
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
What do you think would happen if Jesus said, “I don’t love you people anymore and so I’ve decided to take back my gift of salvation…you’re on your own now.” That would be the most earth-shattering news we could ever receive. It’s scary to think that Christ could stop loving us and take away the gift of eternal life.
Well, think about this: It is just as earth shattering to hear that the man or woman you thought you married for life doesn’t love you anymore and wants a divorce. It’s terrible and it’s devastating, but it is wrong. Once you understand just how wrong it is, then you can begin to do something about it and begin to love your spouse with the wisdom that God speaks to us with.
Christ’ love for us is unconditional because real love is not a feeling, for if it were, he would not have died for our sins and given us hope in Him. We are to love one another in the same way Christ has loved us, unconditionally. That means, even when we don’t FEEL like being loving, to love anyway! Loving our spouse is not about us, it’s about honoring God with our marriage! Marriage belongs to God! And if we profess to be Christ Ones then we belong to God. For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. (1 Corinthians 6:20)
We allow the world to pull us away into its lust and desire by not cleaving to what is good and righteous for ourselves. We have to set our minds on God and what is good so we can love our spouse through the Holy Spirit within us. God has gifted us with the ability to love through His Son Jesus Christ. Cleave to that which is good. (Romans 12:9)
Step 1) read this article: Have You Really Fallen Out of Love?
Scripture says that Love Must Be Sincere or KJV says Let Love Be Without Dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. Romans
Step 2) Read the article: Stop Divorce and Recommit Your Lives to Each Other and answer the questions at the end of the article. Do this together, even if you think you don’t love your spouse and want a divorce.
Step 3) Read the rest of this marriage column and be sure to click on all of the links within the body of this marriage column so as to get a better understanding of how to love the one you married.
Did you know the world is pulling people away from what is good? How does this happen, and apparently without our knowledge? It begins with how we were raised and taught to believe about the opposite sex. Godly principles teach us about respect of each other’s bodies, minds and spirit and commitment for a lifetime of marriage. But this is the opposite of how society perceives love to be in a relationship. Where is the respect? Society is separating itself from God and His principles for living. It’s that simple.
It’s perfectly fine to appreciate beauty of another, but it goes too far when it preoccupies our mind. There is a difference, so know the difference. Acknowledging a pretty face or a handsome guy is not sinful or wrong. It is what we do with it that is wrong.
Lust as described by scripture is an inappropriate and excessive desire or craving for something that preoccupies our mind and actions. When a person becomes preoccupied with lust and desire such as seeking for girls and boys on the Internet or in the world, then it becomes a problem. Even single people should not be preoccupied with worldly desires. It is not cleaving to what is good but what leads to sin.
Most of us walk into marriage thinking we have married our spouse for life. But what happens a few years down the road when the doldrums set in? How is our commitment level then? Commitment is not about words we say to each other at the alter. Anyone can make a promise, but not everyone can keep a promise. Do you see where I am going with this?
Commitment is about an attitude – a lifestyle. We must hold the sanctity and beauty of marriage dear to our heart, even before we ever get married. This is what commitment is – it’s a way of life. Desire and lust feelings will not support a marriage because these feelings are temporary!! What is certain, true and forever is God’s love for us and using Him as our example on how to love others. This is for certain! Love your spouse, even if you think you don’t love them anymore.
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the day of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for this is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)
Solomon wrote a beautiful proverb about marriage: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)
God loves marriage and it is good to be married. Today’s emphasis on feminism and the attitude of not needing a man is not correct. A man or woman that goes outside the boundaries of marriage to fulfill their desires are letting sin control them. God created marriage for a couple’s enjoyment. Marriage is a wonderful creation of God when couples realize its purpose and importance. (Genesis 2:21) (Proverbs 5:15-19)
God teaches us that couples are to look towards each other for lifelong satisfaction and companionship. This is the opposite of what the world teaches. Don’t let the world entice you to leave your marriage. Many temptations of this world will entice husbands and wives to desert their marriage for all the “so called” excitement in the world. But God designed marriage and sanctified it, and only within the marriage covenant can couples find real love, satisfaction and fulfillment.
A strong marriage relationship takes employing the principles of commitment into the marriage every single day! This is why commitment is considered a lifestyle. Love must be sincere. Love must be without dissimulation. Don’t let what God created for your enjoyment be wasted on what you believe to be a greener pasture. It’s an illusion, folks. Enjoy the person God has blessed you with. LEARN to enjoy the person God has blessed you with.
Commitment Is An Operation—it’s something we do!
Commitment has to be felt in our heart and mind and be a part of who we are. Commitment is an operation – it takes action to accomplish its purpose. For instance, if your husband says he has lost love for you and leaves the marriage is that commitment? No, it is not. This is the world pulling him in and him allowing himself to get pulled in!
How can someone be truly committed in their marriage, if they don’t understand what real love is because all they have ever known and been taught is how the world loves. Monkey see, monkey do???
Well, they must understand the principles of commitment and apply them into their marriage every single day until it becomes a way of life for them. Love Must Be Sincere – it is the only way! Love Must Be Without Dissimulation
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brother love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:9-10
Step 4) read Love is a Gift From God
Love is the focus of ALL God’s principles for us. In fact, Jesus Christ did not come to bring religion to the people, but peace and love – the people have created religion and it has caused hatred, bitterness, and dissension among believers. That is not what Christ is all about. God is LOVE. (1 John 4:16)
Love is not what makes us feel giddy with desire and lust for someone else. Love is principled actions that Jesus taught on the Sermon on the Mount and throughout the rest of the New Testament. The world has confused love with lust and it has corrupted society. Don’t let the temptations of the world deceive you; don’t let wordly desires dictate to you how you will love your spouse. Just love because it is what God asks us to do. Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the day of the life of thy vanity. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)
Don’t be too concerned about your husband not going to church. I don’t think he is going to learn how to love you better or learn to take responsibility for his role in the marriage by going to church. If the churches would teach these things the world would be a better place. This is something that a person does on their own through reading of the Word and developing a personal relationship with God through communication and prayer. God gives us wisdom and knowledge when we put our trust with Him.
Continue working on yourself and what God has shown you, per your words in your email to me. This is the right thing to do and to keep your mind off of what your husband is doing or not doing. I do suggest, however that you do read this marriage column with your husband and that you guys read the scriptures that go along with this marriage advice, and do not put ultimatums or threats on each other.
Reading through and studying this marriage guidance together does not mean to tell each other what to do, but to rather know what each of you are supposed to be doing in the marriage according to God. We each have a position in the marriage that when adhered to helps the marriage run smoothly and the couples to be happy and content. But the minute we veer from this God-built design the marriage becomes off kilter and unstable. We are only the encouragers, you both must put in the effort to seek God’s will for yourself and for your marriage.
Step 5) You work on you and your husband works on his healing. Do not work on each other’s healing—we all know what our faults are, or we will through Christ, and so telling each other about each others faults and sins will not work. Work on your own personal healing at this time and pray that God give each of you the wisdom and knowledge to care for each other’s needs properly, in the ways of our Teacher, Jesus Christ. You may email Frank or I at anytime.
Husband’s Priority List
God – Jesus Christ (We are accountable to God first and foremost)
Self (career, job, hobbies)
Wife’s Priority List
God – Jesus Christ (we are accountable to God first and foremost)
Self (career, job, hobbies)