I am 47 years old now. One of the greatest difficulties I have found in coping with BPD – in addition to experiencing all emotions in a very intense manner – is my severe anger-control problem. I have also struggled with deep, dark, suicidal depressions – sometimes lasting for many months. Intense, agonizing anxiety has been another symptom of this disorder that has created great pain in my heart, and which has led me to isolate myself for a great part of my adult life due to my phobia of social settings and general anxiety whenever I am not in my “safe zone”, which means my apartment. There are many other symptoms of BPD, but my greatest life-controlling issue for over 25 years now and, I believe, the most damaging manner in which I manifest borderline personality disorder – for myself and for those closest to me – is my out-of-control anger and rage.
For most of my young adult and adult life, I did not think there was any hope of overcoming my lack of self-control regarding anger. However, this all changed when I became a born-again Christian in 2001. It was then that I learned that the Lord IS my Hope, and that “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7, NLT. So I knew I had within me God’s Spirit of self-control and sound-mindedness, but I had no idea of how to develop this fruit so that I was not manifesting anger and rage. In addition, I did not receive teaching about my own personal need for willingness and surrender, so for several more years I continued to live with a deep sense that there was something deep missing within me – or that somehow I was deficient. And I began – once again – to feel defeated.
However, God is good and faithful to His Word, and He heard my cry to Him for help. He led me to a church that is open to those who are hurting with deep inner wounds. And on one of the lowest nights of my life, when I was on-line searching for an effective way to commit suicide, God – in His infinite mercy and grace – led me instead to CIR. And it has been since joining CIR and the caring church that teaches the Bible and how to walk in the Light of Christ’s Light that I am beginning to understand just how vital it is to my healing to surrender my will, my mind, and my emotions – including my anger – over to Him willingly and absolutely. For me, it is this process that is leading me ever-deeper into the Love of Christ and my Abba Father. It is also a process that is vital to my very existence, my dear friends, because my anger, my outbursts of out-of-control rage have gone from self-abuse in the form of self-injury to the abuse of those I love in the form of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. I grew up in such an environment, and I promised myself that I would never do to those I love what was done to me – this abuse that led me to feel so worthless, shameful, fearful, and to think I was blame for all the pain of those around me. But I held onto what was done to me; the deep in my heart – I held onto that hurt, that pain, that bitterness, that refusal to forgive. And just as Jesus says, “It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth…. Anything you eat passes through the stomach and then goes into the sewer. But the words you speak come from the heart – that’s what defiles you. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. These are what defile you.” Matthew 15:11, 17-20, NLT
My dear CIR family, it has only been in being accepted by my husband and by you, my new friends here, and being loved unconditionally that I have been able to grow in Christ, and come to this place of honest sharing. Today, I find myself in a place of brokenness, but also of joy and new hope in Jesus. I am broken because my words have so deeply wounded my husband, who I love with all my heart. I had so desired to give him love – the agape love of Christ that would return the love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and so many other beautiful things that he has showered on me in our nine years of marriage and nearly sixteen years of being together as a couple. Unfortunately, I have given him much grief and pain through my life-controlling fears and shame and my choice to hang onto my past that have led me into a life of raging against myself and those I love, including my dearest friends and family members. For the pain I have caused to God, to them – and to myself – I am deeply grieved and sorrowful. I repent and I ask the forgiveness of God and of those I have wounded in my anger, including myself. I also ask for your prayers for my husband, our families, friends and myself as I seek a new beginning by surrendering with 100% willingness my mind, all of my emotions, and my absolute will into the hands of my loving God, Lord, and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I know and I believe that all things are possible with God, and it is only in fully surrendering myself to Him and continuing to surrender daily – minute by minute – seeking Him with all that I am that I will find freedom and be set free in Him – the Truth Who shines His Light into my darkness and transforms my darkness into His Life and Love flowing in and through and out of me! Praise be to Jesus my Lord and Saviour, and thank you to all of you for reading my story.
With love, hugs, and prayer from your sister in Jesus,