What Does Homosexuality Provide? - Christians in Recovery

See Part 1: What is Homosexuality?
See Part 2: Common Myths about Homosexuality
See Part 3: How Do Homosexual Attractions Develop?
See Part 4: What Does Homosexuality Provide?
See Part 5: The Root Problem, Repentence and Growth
See Part 6: What is a Friend to Do? & References

People who are hurt and angry, and who feel insecure and out of place as males or females, come to see homosexual activity as a means of finding relief, securing safety, and taking revenge. It rarely starts out this way. But once they get a taste of what homosexuality provides, they’re hooked. As they start to pursue more of what they’ve stumbled across, they begin to believe that what homosexuality provides is necessary and deserved.

Finding Relief.
Many who engage in homosexual activity find it to be a way of getting the love and acceptance they didn’t receive from their same-sex parent and/or peers. They hope to gain a sense of completeness and relief to the aching void in their souls. They describe the period just before and during homosexual activity as a time when something gels inside or falls into place in a way that touches their emptiness. As one man described it, “I am trying to put something right in myself, something I didn’t get as a child.”²²

Others also see homosexuality as a way of being absorbed and taken over by someone greater than themselves. It’s common for many in this struggle to be drawn to members of the same sex who appear to possess desired qualities they themselves feel they lack. As they are being absorbed by someone greater, they can also take in from the person that which they believe they lack. This brings feelings of completeness, relief, and rest.
Men primarily gain this through sex, while women achieve it more through emotional involvement. This is why it’s much easier for women to forsake sexual interaction than it is for men, and yet so hard for them to end an unhealthy relationship.²³

Because the relief is always temporary, they have to keep going back again and again for more. In this way, homosexuality becomes an enslaving addiction. One man likened his involvement in homosexual behavior to a drug. “I took the ‘homosexual drug’ for the same reason that others take chemical drugs: I wanted to feel better; I wanted to be accepted; and other things hadn’t produced satisfaction.”²⁴

Not only can relief be found in moments of temporary completeness, but it also comes when the shame of repeatedly relying on something perverse that fails, deadens the desire to love and be loved. One man said, “I have habitually done things that I am so ashamed of I don’t see how I can love myself, much less God or anyone else.” His shame came to be the reason he saw himself as unfit to give and receive love. This brought relief, in that it made it easier to deny his painful ache for love. (For a more thorough discussion of shame and addiction, see RBC booklet When We Just Can’t Stop.)

Securing Safety.
For many, homosexual relationships usually become a guarded attempt to feel complete without engaging certain aspects of their masculinity or femininity. In homosexual involvement, people can avoid the characteristics of their gender they fear and hate the most.

Many men dread exhibiting the initiating strength of their masculinity because it was ridiculed, rejected, or inhibited. So they avoid expressing it. This is one reason passivity characterizes the personal relationships of so many males who struggle with homosexuality.

Just by virtue of her difference, a woman requires more of a man’s strength in a close, romantic relationship. In homosexuality, however, a man can find moments of illegitimate fullness without having to offer his strength because another man will not require strength in the same way as a woman.²⁵

Women, on the other hand, are inclined to hate and fear the receptive tenderness of their femininity that was exploited and betrayed. Relationships with men require unpredictable levels of tender vulnerability with unpredictable results. In homosexuality, women can safely avoid this form of tenderness while gaining a sense of completeness.

People also attain safety in homosexuality by avoiding close nonsexual relationships with the same sex. Homosexual involvement becomes a way of reconciling the difficult bind of wanting love from the same sex and yet hating and distrusting close relationships with the same sex.

In homosexual involvement, people can get a taste of love and connection without having to enter into a close relationship of trust with the same sex. This is partly why male homosexuality is marked by high levels of promiscuity. As one man described it, “Going from one man to the next is my way of getting a fix without ever having to really trust a man.”

While it’s true that female homosexual relationships tend to last longer and experience levels of emotional closeness, the partners are not truly trusting their hearts with each other. What they are trusting is their own ability to manipulate and keep a relationship that is self-serving.

Taking Revenge.
People involved in homosexuality tend to find that it’s a powerful way of expressing their deep-seated rage, especially toward those who’ve shamed them and let them down. For instance, one man maintained homosexual relationships as a way of slapping the face of a father who ruthlessly demeaned him. There are some men who thrive on acting feminine as a way of shocking people’s notions of masculinity. This can also be true for some women who take on an overly aggressive style of relating to people.

Finding relief, securing safety, and taking revenge are what make homosexuality appealing. More important, they are also symptomatic of the root problem within homosexuality.