Marriage

Married to an Unbelieving Spouse: Shine Your Light

Worksheet at bottom of article

Don’t Think You Can Change Your Spouse

A popular misnomer in society is people think that after they’re married they can change the things they don’t like about their spouse. But this is incorrect thinking to begin with. We cannot change anyone other than ourselves, and to try causes numerous problems within the marriage. If you cannot accept who you are going to marry, don’t get married!

It is possible though, to influence an unbelieving spouse through your virtuous actions and then they may change on their own free will. But a person needs to accept God on their own time frame.

Don’t Get Discouraged

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Unbelieving Spouse and Marriage

I am a Christian but I am married to an unbeliever for almost 7 months. My husband left home about 4 months ago. God wants to restore my marriage?

Marriage Guidance: You’re right. God does want to restore your marriage. So please print this marriage column out and read it with your husband so you both can be responsible for your “part” in the marriage. Let’s start from the beginning.

    * Who Established Marriage For His Purpose?
    * Who Restores Marriage?
    *Who Taught the Principles For Marriage?

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Is Your Husband Controlling?

Ask Angie: I have spent the past two years fighting and praying for my marriage. I can’t remember two straight weeks when he has been nice to me. I am disappointed; he’s disappointed and after four different counselors, we are still at odds with one another. Our marriage has improved but it’s not even close to normal. My husband never kisses me, can’t say anything nice about me, and he has an ANGER problem. I told my husband he was controlling because he used to lock one of our bathroom doors and openly brag to his family that I was not allowed into “his” bathroom. I told him that we are married and not one has the right to tell the other that he or she isn’t allowed on his or her joint property. His answer was you have two other bathrooms to choose from and that I am crazy to think he’s controlling he just wanted something of his own. He chose which side of the garage my car can be parked on, when I can have family over, what I can cook until I said no way. Now all we do is sleep in separate rooms and have sex when he wakes me up in the middle of the night but kissing is not allowed.

The first thing that needs to be done is to print out this marriage column and read it with your husband. Communicate your feelings to each other and come up with amicable ways to get along and be happy with one another. Marriage cannot be restored unless both husband and wife are willing to make the needed changes and sacrifices that marriage so much needs. Click all of the articles in this marriage column because that is where I feel you need the most support, which will steer you in the right direction to having a great marriage.

Marriage Guidance: After reading your letter I can see that you are focusing too much on your husband and his behavior rather than on what you can do for yourself. The negative focus you are putting upon your husband to be a certain way for you “is controlling”. Do you see how your attitude and behavior could be controlling as well?

Most of the time, not all of the time, when a wife thinks her husband is controlling it is because she is controlling. It usually means that she isn’t getting something just the way she wants it and she starts feeling resentful towards her husband.

Is Your Husband Controlling? Read More »

Vices and Virtues in Marriage: Jealousy vs. Trust

Have you ever had to deal with a jealous husband or wife? Most marriages at some time or another go through a period of mistrust and jealousy when their spouse does something to merit mistrust. Maybe they flirted or maybe they had an affair or it could be that they didn’t do anything at all to warrant distrust.

More often than not when a spouse is jealous of the other without merit it means they do not trust themselves. If they don’t trust themselves they usually are jealous, suspicious, controlling, and insecure. This can be a living nightmare for the spouse who has to take this sort of abuse. But it doesn’t have to be like this.

Ask yourself. Why am I jealous? Why do I not trust my spouse? What have they done to merit my suspicions of them? Maybe you have good reason to feel the way you do. But more than likely your misgivings about your spouse have gotten out of hand. We need to be honest with our self about the actions we take in life. The heart of the matter is, we either trust our spouse or we don’t, there is no in between here.

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My Husband Cheated On Me. What Can I Do?

Ask Angie: My husband cheated on me with another woman and now I find it hard to forgive him. I can’t trust him anymore. Our marriage is falling apart. We can go on for weeks without speaking and we are so uncomfortable. Although it hurts me I don’t know what to do anymore.

Ask Angie: Hello Angie, thanks for the Good work that you’re doing. My husband is involved in infidelity, I have know about it and confronted him but he continues to do it, his parents have talked to him but no change, am real hurt by his behaviors. He sleeps out, never eats at home, he come late in the night from that woman. Every thing about us has died, we don’t talk, plan together any more. I’m confused; I want my marriage to be better again.

Ask Angie: My husband is a womanizer and he has cheated on me, had girl in my house while I was at work. I have no problem with him talking to other women but why do they call while I’m at work and hang up in my face. I can’t shake this nor let it go.

Marriage Guidance: It is very hard to forgive if a spouse has committed adultery, and especially if they continue to commit sexual sin over and over again. But even so it is what Christ asks us to do. Why do you think Jesus wants us to forgive a spouse of adultery? If we don’t forgive others when they trespass against us Christ will not forgive us!

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

True Forgiveness Is Only Found Through Our Own

Faith In Jesus Christ

If we call ourselves Christians are we living the Christian life? Forgiving others is living the principles taught to us by Jesus Christ. If we are living the Christian life then we find forgiveness in our hearts when others have hurt us. Jesus gives us the power to forgive!

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Responsibilities of Marriage

Marriage is a big responsibility and a challenging endeavor. Once you get married, it’s not just about you anymore; it is about both of you; it is about taking care of one another’s needs the best you can; it is the willingness to take the time to have a healthy marriage. It is the perseverance to hang in there no matter what. The responsibilities of marriage and family are huge.

I talk an awful lot about responsibilities, roles and duties in marriage because it is very important that couples realize what their responsibilities are, and then fulfilling them in a proper Christian manner. This is where cooperation and consideration come into play for balancing out the efforts of both the husband and wife and helping marriage to run efficiently and balanced.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vein conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:3-5 NIV

Marriage is not designed to make only one person in the marriage happy. Unfortunately, many couples have been conditioned into believing that marriage is a way to get what they want from each other. But this is the wrong attitude to have. When we carry around a self-seeking position we will act on that attitude and

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Obligations of making Each Other Happy. What about Sex?

Ask Angie: Hi Angie. Does a wife or husband have the obligation of making each other happy? My husband has had 3 failed marriages.

Ask Angie: How sure can you be to enjoy a second marriage when the first one didn’t work out? I would also like to know how to enjoy sex anytime he needs it.

Please print out this marriage column and discuss it with your spouse.

Marriage Guidance: What does obligation mean exactly? It means a responsibility or duty to something or someone. In marriage that would mean encouraging, supporting, and caring for one another through those responsibilities. No one can actually make another person happy, no matter what they do, since happiness comes from within the spirit of self. Read the articles at the end of this marriage column with your spouses.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3

What does the above verse mean? God designed a man and a woman to compliment one another through the roles and positions they have been given in marriage. The husband has a responsibility to his wife to care for and love her in much the same way that Christ cares for and loves His church—the people. The wife has a responsibility to be supportive, submissive and a helpmate to her husband.

Married Life Responsibilities/Obligations

A woman/wife has needs and wants. A husband should take care of his wife’s needs and wants the best he can. Emotionally she needs and wants to feel respected and appreciated by her man. Physically most women need to be protected by their husband’s. Financially she should have all of her basic needs met—shelter, clothes, food. Even if a wife contributes to the finances she is still obligated to be dependent on her husband. She is not independent of her husband just because she has a job or makes more money. This mixed up attitude is what causes problems in marriage. In my opinion marriage works better when a woman is home tending to the things of home and family.

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My Husband is Too Controlling. What Can I Do?

Ask Angie: My husband is too controlling, every time I think things are going to work out, they go back to the way it was before, he bit my face a couple weeks ago, I didn’t do anything, he starts feeling a certain way and thinks I’m lying to him. I’ve been with him for 16 years, and it hasn’t gotten better, he’s made some changes, not as violent, but the constant grief I get, I can’t take it anymore… my heart is breaking.

One of our kids is acting out, the 2 older ones don’t want to be at our house, he’s great with our baby. I don’t know what to do. My family is about to wipe their hands of me because I keep going back… I don’t know what to do, I want to be a good wife and mother, he says I’m letting my kids tell me what to do, but I do see their pain, my older two, especially my middle one who is a great boy. Thank you for listening.

Marriage Guidance: Please print out this marriage column and preview and discuss it with your husband.

Why do people try and control others? What does controlling someone mean? People who control others with words, threats, fist, lies, and manipulative behavior usually have underlying insecurities within themselves. Perhaps they are afraid of losing something or someone. They have to get to the bottom of these insecurities to understand how to accept the things they cannot change and the courage to only change the things they can – themselves.

Your husband’s behavior is definitely not right. Using any kind of verbal or physical force to get your way is controlling behavior. Your husband may need to get some spiritual counseling if he behaves violent towards you. Please have him contact us for some biblical guidance in this area.

Don’t misunderstand the usage of the word “control.” Only when a husband or wife controls in a negative way is it actually controlling or trying to change that person. If couples have to scream at one another, demand things from one another, hit one another and manipulate one another then it is using controlling behavior. But if a husband or a wife is acting out as part of their God-given position then it is not control. Christ is a husband’s director and a Godly husband directs his wife and family under the direction of Christ.

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My Husband Cheated On Me. I am Having Major Trust Issues.

Ask Angie: My husband cheated on me and says he’s sorry. It went on for 4 1/2 months in front of me, whether it was text messaging while I was cooking dinner or helping with homework, or just while I was in the shower and all during work. Then he made a trip to Dallas and had her meet him there. I found out about them when I saw a text message on his phone that she sent him a song and loved him and he said he loved her… when confronted, he denied it and then when I had facts I could place together, said he didn’t know why he did it and it was nothing. I asked if it was nothing, then why was he in love with her? It goes on… he says it’s over and hasn’t had any contact with her, but I know he has another email address and refuses to give me any passwords to check out his story. I am obviously having major issues forgiving him and trusting him again. I don’t know what to do. We’ve talked, we’ve expressed, we’ve been intimate; however, he never lost his intimacy during the 4 ½ months, so I feel as if he is just doing this and will make it seem as if we are doing fine, then go back to the way it was. Help.

Marriage Guidance: I can certainly understand the suspicions you have towards your husband. But suspicions will not repair and restore your marriage. Please print out this marriage column and read it together with your husband. Then you can both come together in Christ and begin working on the broken links of your marriage. It takes both wife and husband to put in effort towards restoration. I would like to encourage you to take care of YOU! Your husband NEEDS to take responsibility for his actions and change if he wants to really SAVE this marriage.

For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes NOT from the Father but from the world. 1 John 2:16

Since we know that lustful thinking and behavior is a worldly thing, it means then, to be able to save your marriage, you both need to come to Christ in repentance and ask for forgiveness of your sins…and live your marriage under the influence of Jesus Christ. If you want to be forgiven for your trespasses (adultery) you must be willing to forgive others their trespasses and repent of any wrong doing you have done against the marriage. If you are not willing to do that then I can’t support or encourage you any longer. You have come to the wrong ministry for help.

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How To Love The Woman You Married

God created the sexes equal and yet they each have different temperaments, personalities, and behaviors that compliment one another. The best way to love the woman you married is to understand those differences. Your wife likes it when you express your feelings to her, rather than keeping your feelings bottled up. She wants details from your heart and mind, not curt yes and no answers. You’re not with the guys anymore when you come home from work.

A woman feels closer to her man when he talks about himself and can openly discuss issues within himself. Tell her what is bothering you. Don’t hold stuff in and get resentful over it. Emotional and psychological infidelities are caused from the lack of emotional intimacy between couples. Always keep the communication lines open between you and your wife. This will keep the marriage intimate and active. When couples stop talking, that’s when to start worrying.

I don’t care how long you have been married your wife still wants to hear the words “I love you” every single day. Many wives want to be held by you for at least one full minute every single day. She wants to be “shown” your love for her by your manly protection of her. Do not be intimidated to exert your God-given headship position in the marriage. That is what God made you for. This is actually the proper way to love and care for the woman you married. Be her man so she can be your woman.

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