Marriage

How To Love The Man You Married

Do you love the man you married? What is a priority in your marriage? Is it doing whatever you want by living the way you want and getting what you want when you want it? Or do you and your husband both agree or disagree on important issues and problems that affect the marriage? When we disregard our husband’s protection and decisions for us then we are basically living our own life. This surely doesn’t mean that a husband has the right to disregard his wife’s feelings either and do whatever he wants. It works both ways.

Do You Reject Your Husband’s Feelings?
When we get married, we’re not daddy’s little girl anymore. Well we are, but we now have a new responsibility-to be a good wife to our husbands. When we get married our life is now with our husbands. Most men want to be respected for their position as the man in the marriage. Loving your man is regarding him with respect and reverence just because he is your husband.

I do realize there are many good wives out there who treat their husbands with respect, but I think there are just as many who don’t. Loving the man you married is not about getting your way all the time. It is not rejecting your husband sexually or in any other way. Just because a woman doesn’t feel like having sex doesn’t mean she should deny her husband. This works both ways too.

Are You Respecting the Man You Married?
Respecting the man you married is not constantly nagging and complaining to him over minor issues and circumstances going on around the home because you feel the need to control or have power over him. Some wives do this often and don’t even realize they are doing it. Husbands don’t even realize this is happening. Then we wonder why our man strays from the marriage. Is it because we are devaluing our man’s position in the marriage? I should think so.

When you feel yourself wanting to gain some aspect of control over certain issues, stop and ask yourself, “Is this really worth arguing with my husband over”? Take a deep breath and relax. Understand that there are, and will be, many, many things you do not have control over. The more we believe that we can change something to fit our needs better, the more we get disappointed when nothing changes.

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My Husband Puts Me Down Constantly. What Should I Do?

Ask Angie: What should a wife do when the husband puts her down constantly and is verbally abusive?

Guidance: Your husband is having problems within himself. He is manifesting his feelings in aggressive verbal language to you because he us unable to manage his emotions properly. Usually people who put down others (judgmental and critical) are unhappy within themselves. Please print out this marriage column and read together with your husband.

Have you tried reading the bible together as a study and discussion about what you read? Have you prayed and asked God to help your husband find peace of mind? You see many times we are so concerned about ourselves that we often overlook the obvious. Your husband is having a difficult time expressing himself properly and his anger is making him bitter and cold inside. It’s almost like living with an alcoholic.

You need to detach with love. How do you do that? Easy! Simply walk away when he becomes verbally abusive or when he begins to disrespect you. Do not take his verbal abuse – let it slide right off your shoulders – let it go in one ear and out the other. I realize that no sane person can actually do this, but you are going to try and do it, and eventually it will make you feel better doing it. There is no other way. You can’t make your husband be nice to you. Only he has the power within himself to change himself.

Why let his misery control how you feel? Walk away from it. And when he asks you why you are not getting angry back or why you are leaving the room, tell him that you are not going to talk to him when he is abusive. You have to take care of your own emotional and spiritual well-being. How can you do that when you are constantly getting trampled on? Rescue yourself from the abuse.

The worse thing you can do is to get verbally abusive back. What does that show? It shows your husband that you have a problem and not him. When you stop letting the abuse bother you, he will actually “see” his own behavior and how rotten he has been behaving. Your husband has to take responsibility for his own behavior. You are responsible for your behavior.

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When Loving a Spouse is Difficult

Ask Angie: I cannot seem to find love for my husband. We have been through difficult times and we were not able to work together on anything. There were months when we did not speak to each other and just went on with our lives without communication. I have been hurt so much…. It is wrong but I cannot find forgiveness for him nor seem to be able to detach with love. Our children see the problem we have and now have issues in their lives since we did not show them a good marriage/ family…I have been working on my spirituality so much but still find that my heart is heavy.

Ask Angie: Dear Angie, It’s me again. I was reading the stories about the women who are married to alcoholics. My husband is not an alcoholic though he displays the same kind of behaviors. Life with him is unbearable at times. He told me last night, again, that most of the time he does not want to be married, and during those times he treats me like he does not want to be married. The few times he does want to be married, he looks at me with kindness, it’s very short lived. Then the cycle repeats itself. I am tired. I am getting physically sick from it. How does a Christian woman stay with a (Pastor) husband that 95 percent of the time does not want to be married and shows his wife no love?

Marriage Guidance: I will address the issues that are italicized above. Both of these women are experiencing similar issues in their marriage. Although one is having difficulty loving her husband, the other’s husband is having difficulty loving his wife. Please print out this marriage column and give it to your husbands. Read through the article resources together. Talk about the questions at the end of the articles. Marriage needs both husband and wife to be willing to put in the effort.

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I Love You But I’m Not “In Love With You” Anymore

Has your spouse told you they weren’t “in love” with you anymore? Well do I have news for you. The saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” is a worn out cliché. It’s not possible to “fall out of love” because you weren’t “in love” to begin with. The excuse “I’m not in love with you anymore” is nonsensical. Let me tell you why.

There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy. What you’re really feeling and should be saying is “I don’t want to love you anymore”. It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.

The person who says “I’m not in love with you anymore” is searching for a feeling.

The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and or years of a lifeless marriage – a marriage that has no intimacy. This is why quality time spent together (intimacy) is more important than sex in a marriage. Not that sex isn’t important, because it is, but that sex IS NOT INTIMACY. Sex may be a part of intimacy but it is not the whole picture.

Intimacy can be as simple as playing a board game or planting seeds together in your garden; or intimacy can be as complex as working together in a business or getting involved in a hobby with your spouse. But couples aren’t doing any of these things together anymore! They have drifted apart, each doing their own thing. When couples stop doing things together they lose the intimate bond between them they once shared when they were first married.

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How To Stay Faithful In Your Marriage

Did you know that our thoughts and beliefs become actions over time? The more we think about being with other people outside of our marriage, the more these thoughts will become our actions. Knowing this then, the first step to conquer infidelity is not to have the desires within our mind in the first place. Easier said than done? Not really.

We desire others sexually because we have been conditioned into believing its ok to do so – it’s a mindset. We have been trained to desire others sexually at a young age, and we have been conditioned into believing it’s ok to look at scantily dressed women and men. Our conscience may even tell us that it’s wrong to actually commit the act of sex outside of marriage, but does our conscience tell us that the desire is wrong?

The bible definitely lets us know that desiring others sexually is wrong because it leads to sin, so then what is the problem? The problem is we aren’t going to the root of the problem. The root of sexual lust is in how we think towards human beings. So then to stop the desire we only have to change the way we think about others. Are we really respecting others in the way that Christ has taught us to? If we truly respect another person then we should have the attitude to not think about desiring them lustfully and disrespecting them in any way.

You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love you neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

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Overcoming Porn

** Are you having less sex with your spouse or stopped having sex with your spouse because you are looking at pornography?
** Are unhealthy emotions overtaking your thoughts and controlling the outcome of your actions?
** Have you tried to quit looking at porn but can’t?

If you answered yes to any one of these then you are addicted. Anytime we are addicted to something it means we are under its control and have become a slave to it. Does being addicted to porn mean you are a bad person? Not necessarily.

What it means is that you have a sexual temptation that you desire more than you desire the goodness of self brought on by God. You are allowing the sin to overwrite the natural goodness of your character. Satan is pulling at your flesh to look at porn, while principles and mores are put on hold somewhere in your mind.

Bad people remain in their addiction all the while getting worse spiritually and emotionally. Bad people don’t even try to come out of their addiction but rather revel in it and eventually get worse in their sinful behavior. Bad people don’t know they are lost, they believe they are following the right path already. Bad people are literally holding hands with Satan.

Some of you might be playing a game of tug and war because your conscience is having a difficult time dealing with your actions. This is the flesh (physical and emotional feelings) fighting with the spiritual aspects of your nature. The spiritual aspect of self knows right from wrong. Which way are you tugging? Did you fall into temptation again?

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Are Negative Emotions Controlling You?

Emotions play a big role in our life. They are active and alive twenty-four hours a day, even in our dreams. Emotions literally tell us what to do with our marriage, family, job, career, self, and how we love others. If we don’t control the course that our emotions run, we might be heading down the road towards destruction.

Are you allowing emotions to control your life?

When was the last time you got angry? What do you do when your friend turns their back on you? What do you do when your spouse disrespects you? What do you do when your children continue to misbehave?

What happens if your emotions tell you that you don’t love your spouse anymore? What are you going to do? Do you let jealousy and resentment tell you what to do in certain circumstances?

Before we can understand the full potential of our self and our emotions we need to understand a little bit about who we are, and why we do and say the things we do. How do we handle our selves with certain issues and particular circumstances?

What do we do when conflict rears its ugly head in our marriage? We get emotional, right? We lash out with anger, or we clam up in resentment, or express our self improperly. Are we letting our emotions rule our marriage, our self, and our life?

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Pornography Addiction: What Can A Man Do?

1. Recognize The Cause of Your Addiction:

First of all the most important thing you can do is figure out why you are addicted to pornography by recognizing what the root of the problem is. Do whatever it takes to bring it out in the open with yourself and then take the necessary steps to eradicate the sexual cravings from your mind. Do you think you can stop at anytime on your own free will? Easier said than done, right?

Do you have negative feelings towards someone or about something bad that happened in your life? If negative issues don’t get resolved within your mind your sub-conscience will bring them back out in your actions. Only you can know for sure what it is that has caused pain and suffering within you. And only you can do something about it! Make it right for yourself in your mind, and do whatever you need to do to fix the problem.

2. Take the Blinders Off and Open Your Eyes:

I know this sounds harsh but look what closed mindedness towards God does to you! What you think and believe on a continual basis brings you into a life based upon those thoughts and beliefs. If our mind is not on God then what is it on?

Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? Luke 6:39

Have you ever stopped to think that you’re addicted to pornography because of your unwillingness to base your life upon a spiritual and moral foundation? Simply put, your philosophy is with the world and not God. Some of you have even been conditioned into believing that viewing pornography is acceptable for you life. But I encourage you to break free from this kind of thinking, which leads to sin, and seek out the true source and foundation for your life.

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My Husband is Looking at Porn. What Should I Do?

Ask Angie: Angie, my husband is a Christian, and I just found out that he has been looking at porn on the Internet for about a month. How do I have a relationship with him after this? We went through this when we first got married 19 years ago…I don’t think I can do it again!

Marriage Guidance: You have to see your husband underneath the cloak of this addiction. Addiction is not who he is but what he has allowed to filter into his heart and mind. You need to pray about his recovery and ask God to give you the strength to get through these hard times in your marriage. Some husbands lie to themselves and believe its ok to look at naked women and men. But the truth is its not ok if you have stopped enjoying your wife. It’s not ok if you look forward to viewing women on the Internet instead of the woman you married and that God has blessed you with. It would be a good idea to print this marriage column out and read through it with your husband. Work together on this issue by being supportive and encouraging. Try and be your husbands other half (help mate) rather than an antagonist. You both need to sit down and talk through this with respect and consideration of each others feelings. Some husbands are in denial and believe they don’t have a problem with porn. But since you said your husband is a Christian or trying to be a Christian then he is not in denial and should work towards inner healing. Help him do that.

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Testimonies About CIR

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Thank you for the many many resources that have helped to benefit me greatly during a long period of recurring losses and depression. I know without a doubt that God led me to the CIR website, and the benefits received during my long membership will continue to be an invaluable gift of healing for myself, and others with whom I can share my uncovered strength and wisdom. Thank you CIR! ~Dolores

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