The sky was clear, such a beautiful day, a good day for a bike ride with Joshua. We will ride and be happy, we will ride and be happy, we will ride and be happy! I remember those days, how good I felt just to see the happy face of my boy. Those days I could find contentment in so many simple things of life. There is an emptiness somewhere. If I can’t fill the void with the joys of living, I once felt, I think I will die in my addiction. I struggle for the joy of living. The great simple joys of life have been torn from me by the thief of addiction. I will not ride and be happy; not for a long time.
At the age of 26 I became independent for the first time. That is when I started to abuse alcohol and drugs. Then in July my mother passed away. This was devastating for me and I was unable to cope with her death. I started go to the bars and hanging around with the wrong crowd. I did everything I could to make these people like me in order to try and fill the void that I was feeling. I even gave them money and so that they could use it to support there addiction while I was still supporting my own addiction. I let them use me so they would be my friends.
…he whose might is his god. Habakkuk 1:17, ASV
It isn’t often that such a short phrase of scripture so impacts my heart, but since running across these six words in my reading of Habakkuk earlier this week, I haven’t been able to put them out of my mind.
My name is Kelly. Here is something that happened to me that I hope blesses you….
In 1984 after struggling for years with pornography and masturbation, I was a youth pastor in the Midwest. Working for my brother the pastor. I fought and fought with my thoughts and finally went out in my car and purchased porn. Felt horrible and tired. I was so frustrated. I tried and tried to live a clean life and just failed over and over again.
“Damn, what is the point?” I asked myself. I then sat there alone in my room and calmly prayed a new prayer to God. This was a prayer that I’ve never prayed. I prayed that He would get out of my life. I prayed that I would not be a Christian any more. I prayed and boldly asked the Holy Spirit to leave.
Then I sat there alone in my room feeling even more alone. The desire for porn was gone and it felt that God was gone too. I didn’t feel guilty but I did feel very alone.
Day after day I walked in an Oak grove talking with God. I didn’t feel like a Christian anymore and it was a weird experience talking to him outside of the “family”.
I was a miserable alcohol, drug and food addicted woman when God found me. He totally changed everything that I desired out of life. I never did drugs or alcohol after meeting Jesus, but I was still and addict, with all of the compulsive and destructive issues of control and manipulation. I transferred all of my disease to food and became an overeater.
God was patient with me (and still is) and by His grace led me to Food Addicts Anonymous and Christians in Recovery. I have 6 months in recovery and my walk has never been better. I am truly drug free for the first time in my life.
After I finished my freshman year of college, I got saved at a Christian church here. I went out and got a little pocket Bible so I could read the Word where ever I was. Well, I was taking this psychology class in summer school and got really bored so I open up the Word. I don’t think that this was more than two or three weeks after I got saved.
Anyway, so here I am sitting and reading the Word and I “just happen” to be in Colossians and I read Chapter 2 verses 8-10:
“Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and EMPTY deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. For in Him dwells all the fullness of the God head bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” (Colossians 2:8-10)
Needless to say, I packed up my bag and left in the middle of class, ran
I am powerless over sin. That’s my problem. I used to feel damned because my life seemed to be falling apart. By the grace of God I learned that although I was just as much at fault for the problems in my life as the people in my life, God was not so cruel as to torment me for my sinfulness. In fact only he could restore me to sanity. My higher power volunteered.
He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.
I came to God a broken person. I was terribly addicted to crack cocaine. I had lived ten years with the guilt and pain I was causing my family and myself.
I was raised to believe in God, but I didn’t know how He could help me, or that He would want to. I had never learned that Jesus died so I wouldn’t have to live in the misery of my past. The more I learned about Jesus the more I realized how much He loves us and wants to help us.
My recovery birthday is the day I registered at CIR. It was shortly after I joined. I chose it because I began to seriously take on my recovery as a whole: Alcohol, Codependency, Sex/love addiction, Bulimia (teens-20’s), then became Compulsive overeater, Workaholic, PTSD from Childhood rape/molestation…..abuses/ bullying of every variety including self-inflicted. I experienced a date rape with an abortion in 1994 (I died / stayed dead in many ways until CIR). All are interconnected.
I have since found a measure of serenity, of freedom from sin (or enslavement to righteousness) !!!! Romans 6:15-17), healing in the areas my mental illness/health problems & I have found the blessing of relationship/fellowship.
Relationships are built on the quality of our conceitedness to God.
People can be so quick to judge. I sometimes am guilty of this. It is an issue that I struggle with. Maybe it is because I so badly need to affirm my fragile righteousness, I don’t know. What I do know is that Jesus wasn’t like that and I need to acquire this knowledge quickly.
Jesus is always gentle with anyone who seeks His help. That person might not receive the help neatly wrapped in a predictable way; that is in a way they perceive.