I have been keeping a secret since I was 7, I’m 36 now. No one knows about this secret, except for the one person who was hosting the Same Sex Attraction (SSA) Meeting last night.
I feel as though the Holy Spirit came and held me and then whispered in my ears (and fingers) to share…to go ahead and get it off my quiet little mind.
I feel as though I experienced a miracle here at Christians in Recovery so that is why I want to share this with you… I think if I experienced a miracle in my life that I’m to share it with everyone here at cir…. because God has given me Christians in Recovery (CIR) in my life to help me grow and heal. It’s been a journey these past 3-4 years here.
My life began a little lonely and missing a father. My parents were 16 when they had me and dad was gone before I knew him. No bonding there. My mom was big into alcohol, crack and beginning a heroine career …. so not a lot of bonding here either. I think she loved my sister and I, but her addictions were taking over.
I was left in the care of a babysitter, Mindy. She was nice to us. But, my mom would bribe her to watch us with pornography. She was probably too embarrassed to buy it for herself, so mom would do it.
Mom would leave for whatever and Mindy would become aroused and make my sister and engage in sexual behaviors with her. It was terrible and embarrassing to even say, really. This happened many times. My sister and I have never spoken about this and I have kept to myself like a good little girl. I mean, if I were to talk to my sister about it she either wouldn’t remember or would write me off… out of embarrassment and fear.
That’s not the point anyway…. the point is that it happened to me and now I need to deal with the effects it has had on me.
When I was 9 my mom married a christian man and he made sure we all went to the Baptist Church and Christian seeds were planted. Mom couldn’t straighten up so he had to leave us when I was 16. He was my protector and I was left alone to live with her. She was unsafe to me. Because she would try to commit suicide with the gas stove and put everyone at risk. So I was scared all the time.
So, when I turned 17 I joined the Air Force… then into ROTC at the UW of Wisconsin. I learned a lot through their program. But while in college I found that I was attracted to a certain type of women. Those women that we tough, smart, funny, and confident. these attractions caused difficulty for me; ended friendships, and made me feel like I was crazy and bad.
I started smoking pot and drinking to cover up the hurt. 17 years later I was married to a bar owner/musician and had a boy. I was happy because I was in a safe environment FINALLY safe, but not happy because I was intoxicated or altered all the time.
I finally surrendered to Jesus and got down on my knees in a treatment center. I surrendered my bad walk of life and bad choices and the drugs, but not the molestation.
After Mindy another babysitter, Greg, molested me too. So I had a man and a women take advantage of me. I was really hurt…a wounded bird. I was afraid when I’d hear people say…look out for those kids who were molested because they will do that to someone else too. Was I capable of hurting someone else? Hurt someone like I had been hurt? I really didn’t think so, but when I studied about these types of patterns of behavior, I was scared. I’m wounded and a potential sexual predator.
That has been the worst thought I’ve ever had. I know God will protect me from hurting others because he lives within me and I’m not the bad person. I am a good person, a child of God, who has had bad things happen to.
Since mom died 7 months ago to a drug overdose of heroine I have felt some relief. One more fear factor in my life is gone. Now God is showing me that I can be relieved of fear and restored to sanity and it can start now. That’s my miracle. The miracle is that I went into CIR for a meeting last night and it was a Same Sex Attraction meeting. Hum…I went in. Just Ernest and me. I confided in him and he not only listened to me but he talked with me as well. I was so blessed that I started to admit what I have been through. He referenced books for me to read and encouraged me to start the healing process.
This is the second step for me… I’m sharing my story with you and I hope you benefit from it soon too. I do hope to read some books on SSA and Child abuse survivors with sexual abuse and see what I hear. I know I’ll be relieved to just discuss this junk… keeping it in for so long has caused many other problems as well! Health, safety, drugs, avoidance and escape, bad choices, bad thoughts, ruined relationships, embarrassment, and I could go on and on.
Thanks for listening.
~ Shelley, a member of CIR