How to Not Change Your Spouse

Loving our spouse is giving them the freedom to be who it is they are. When we love without WANTING anything in return, that is when we have accepted our spouse for being who they are, faults and all.

This of course, doesn’t include iniquitous behavior because if anyone is carrying on and regularly doing things in err against spouse or God, they certainly are not being the person they were meant to be. Therefore, this article does not apply to them.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Love is an option; we select the degree of love and what kind of love we will give to our spouse through our actions. Love can sometimes be confusing and misleading, especially if couples are going through trials and tribulations in their marriage and are demanding of one another.

We think that if we could change our spouse, we’ll suddenly be happy and contented with our self. We try and change our spouse because we have stopped accepting them for who they are. Therefore, we cannot seem to love them either.

Pretty soon, we begin to place nasty conditions on the love we give to our spouse. If their faults irritate us bad enough we might not give ANY love at all. Sound familiar?

With no love left to give to our spouse, we might think we have nothing in common anymore? Who knows, maybe we begin to think we married the wrong person? Suppose the person we met last week at work is better than our spouse? Pretty soon we have brainwashed our self into believing our feelings.

No wonder more than half of all marriages end in divorce!

How about, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Couples waste so much of their time and energy trying to change each other. But is that really what needs to be done?

Marriage gurus think they have all the answers, and self help books goat and challenge couples to try and change for each other. But most of these people are divorced too! So what gives?

How a bout a little bit of acceptance! It works wonders.

Really, we just need to try and not let those little things bother us. Even some of the bigger things we can detach from. Forgive. Turn the other cheek. Do these things even when you don’t want to! Communicate the issue. Let your spouse know what bothers you, but don’t make it into a tirade.

Don’t scream and yell at them about how bad they are, instead find something positive to say about them. Make them feel good about them self. That’s what works!!

What about, “I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine”. This is good in marriage. There is nothing wrong with the “give and take” type rapport with each other. In fact, this is essentially how couples love each other.

No one can ever love unconditionally, without demands, bargains or expectations, never. You know why? Because we’re just human, we err, and we have faults. We need to accept that and move on with our life; hopefully that moving on includes our spouse.

The "give and take" process is a natural occurrence; it is instinctive to do something nice for our spouse because they have done something nice for us. We give and take all day long with most of our interaction in our daily lives; it’s part of life.

Most marriages work in this fashion; it is a good way for marriage to flourish and grow. It keeps couples on their toes as far as remembering to “give” of themselves periodically to their spouse EVEN when they don’t want to. That is love.

Now, there is a big difference when we put ultimatums on the table. Dishing out ultimatums is more of a “nasty conditional love” and is based on selfish thinking and usually stems from one or both spouses harboring resentment. "I'll love you, only if you will stop going out with your friends, etc."

This is not love, but a selfish person trying to get their way through manipulation and ultimatums!

Most marriages can be salvaged. We have to stop THINKING we can change our spouse. We really just need to try a little bit harder. Trying to let those things go that we can’t do anything about, and stop feeling resentful can make a big impact on the marriage.

Allow your spouse the freedom to just BE. Accept your spouse! Love!

Love is created by a person and not just is. Love takes action to accomplish. The value of the love we give to our spouse is based on how we are feeling at any given moment and time.

If we feel resentment or bitterness towards those we love, we'll inevitably love with resentment and bitterness, which is one way we place nasty conditions on our love.

"What is generated from our heart comes out in our actions".

Loving someone in the real sense of the word is allowing him or her to be who it is they are. When we learn to play the “give and take” game fairly is when can accept the person we are married to.

Bottom line, accept your spouse for who they are, give to your spouse without wanting anything in return, and it will eventually be given back to you.

This is how to not change your spouse. Acceptance Is LOVE.

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Copyright by Angie Lewis.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Angie is a noted author of

How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse?

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