Relationships

Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse

I clearly remember the day my wife, Liz, told me that she had been sexually abused as a child.

We were watching TV and I could tell she wasn’t really interested in the show.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her, unaware that her answer would turn my world upside down.

“My stepfather sexually abused me when I was a child,” Liz said.

There was a long period of silence as I searched for something to say. Here I was, suddenly presented with a startling revelation. I was dumbfounded.

Liz stared at me, waiting for a reaction.

Questions began to flood my thoughts. I really didn’t know what to think.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Why would your stepfather do such a thing?”

Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse Read More »

Submission or Rebellion?

Evil people seek only rebellion,
but a cruel messenger will be sent against them. Proverbs 17:11 NRSV

Rebellion: opposition to one in authority or (one in) dominance

In other words, rebellion is the antonym to submission.

As Christians, we need to stop claiming who we are and start looking at what we do.

Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. If your brother or sister is being injured by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. Do not let what you eat cause the ruin of one for whom Christ died. So do not let your good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not food and drink but righteousness and peace

Submission or Rebellion? Read More »

Understanding and Living our Relationships According to God

… diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Who do we have relationships with? What are our most important relationships? How should we handle our relationships with others? Is our interaction with others pleasing to God?

Who do we have relationships with?

    1. God/Christ
    2. Spouse
    3. Children
    4. Extended family (parents, grandparents, uncles, nieces — etc)
    5. Friends
    6. Co-workers and acquaintances

What are our most important relationships? (In this order)

    1. God / Jesus Christ
    2. Spouse
    3. Children
    4. Family
    5. Friends/Others

Understanding and Living our Relationships According to God Read More »

Another Look at Codependency

Some who work in the recovery field are hindered in their efforts to minister to others because of their own codependency. Here are a few common symptoms experienced by these “wounded warriors”:


Inability to detach. Staff members who lack personal acceptance and a good self concept tend to look to their clients for affirmation and a sense of worth. They take their work home with them and tend to feel terribly guilty and personally responsible when a client leaves the mission and messes up his or her life.

Caretaking & Enabling. They do not allow their clients to become responsible for their own actions and attitudes. Instead, they cover up for them, make excuses, and blameshift. By doing this, they become “enablers”, allowing people then to stay in their sins, addictions, and other problems.

Another Look at Codependency Read More »

Am I Codependent or being a Good Christian?

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching:

    “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”
    (Aren’t Christians to put others first?) .

    “Codependents give themselves away.”
    (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?).

    “Codependents martyr themselves.”
    (Doesn’t Christianity honor its martyrs?)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:.

    I have little or no value.
    Other persons and situations have all the value.

Am I Codependent or being a Good Christian? Read More »

Am I Codependent?

If you think or believe the following statements, it may be a sign that you are codependent:

    My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

    My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

    Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention is focused on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

    My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

    My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

    My mental attention is focused on manipulating you “to do it my way.”

    My self ­esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

    My self ­esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

Am I Codependent? Read More »

Do You Want to Be Righteous or Right?

Do we want to be righteous… or do we want to be right? It seems, these days, that many people have difficulties taking constructive criticism. The fact is, our egos are so sensitive (so self-centered) that we want everyone to approve of us all the time, rather than accepting the kind of sacrificial love that comes from a friend who wants us to be right with God. And, oh my goodness, what turmoil wells up inside us when we are rebuked! We take it as a personal offense, rather than quietly wondering if perhaps it’s really true and we should do something about it.

    A rebuke strikes deeper into a discerning person than a hundred blows into a fool.Proverbs 17:10 NRSV

Friends don’t let friends sin. That’s the simple fact about Christianity. If we are true to our faith, we understand that everything here is temporal and our focus should be on the eternal. And the eternal is concerned with pleasing God.

Do You Want to Be Righteous or Right? Read More »

What is Wisdom and How do We Acquire it?

We know there are a lot of broken, miserable, angry, sad, frustrated, married couples who are not living their marriage in the “ways of the Lord”. Every day they trudge in their daily routine barely able to take another day. When we are going through such issues in our marriage, such as being married to an abusive alcoholic, or married to a unfaithful man or woman we only see as clear as our feelings will let us see. This is not enough to repair damage done to the marriage.

We have to go beyond our feelings and emotions and try to understand what is happening in our marriage so we can do something about it in the spiritual way and not through how we are feeling about it. It’s difficult to do but it is what NEEDS to be done. If we continue in our own perspective by “how we are feeling” we truly do not grow spiritually and we stay within our own private little world of emotions.

This is where wisdom comes into the picture. As scripture says, we have to throw off everything that hinders us or lay aside every weight that is keeping us from seeing clearly so we can win the race; this includes how we are feeling, which may be ill will and resentment towards our spiritually sick spouse and other loved ones. Feelings are ok to have, we need to experience our feelings, but we also need to recognize when our feelings become stumbling blocks in our growth with God.

    …let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Hebrews 12:1

What is Wisdom and How do We Acquire it? Read More »

Endure, Remain, Continue

1 Corinthians 13:8-13 RSV
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Paul tells us that three things abide (endure, remain, continue): faith, hope, and love. The thing is, the only one that will exist forever is love. We know that the need for faith will fade. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1 RSV). Now, we don’t see God. We must have faith to believe: “whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him” (Hebrews 11:6 RSV). Once we see Him face to face, faith will be unnecessary.

Endure, Remain, Continue Read More »

Are You Rejoicing in What is Wrong?

1 Corinthians 13:6 RSV
[Love] does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

When I was growing up, going to jail was a terrible shame, not only for the person in jail, but the entire family. No one wanted to have a family member serving time, no less become that person themselves.

Now, I have children in my classroom who are intimately familiar with prison (to the point of having been there many times to visit family and friends). And sadly, these children have told me that they would like to go to prison themselves. They like having a bad “rep” and being in the position of being a bully, of having power over others.

Remember, I’m talking about elementary school aged children.

Are You Rejoicing in What is Wrong? Read More »