Shame

How Do You Help An Injured Porcupine?

How do you respond when your life gets interrupted by—well—life?

This isn’t the article I planned for this morning. I’d already written something insightful and thought-provoking—a certain masterpiece (at least in my mind). All it required was a few finishing touches and it would have been here to greet even the earliest risers.

And then—life happened.

I’ll spare you most of the humiliating details. Create your own mental image if your wish from an overview involving a shower, equipment failure, and a short fall to the floor in a somewhat “compromised” position. I was hopelessly wedged into a spot I don’t even know how to describe.

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Envy (Self-Esteem & Shame)

It simmers in angst ‘gainst any who steal
Attention, verve, ovation, praise,
It hungers to feel crescendoing zeal
And when deprived its hackles raise.

Unable to rest with unsettled scores,
Hapless, clapless, deeply annoyed,
Allies appear in gossip, half-truths
Searching the world for foes to destroy.

Reputations, torpedoed, fall
Amidst a din of warring words,
Slithering Envy, sated, slips
Unnoticed down a silent hall.

Its handiwork is plain to see,
How many Picassos, afraid to paint,
Bullied, shiver in shadows, reeds,
Bruised and battered, brushes castrate.

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Depression and No Self-worth

I’ve struggled and been in horrible, depressing bondage most of my life because I had no concept of self-worth and somehow that became tied to my appearance. I’ve struggled since a young teen with BDD, “body dysmorphic disorder”, a totally disabling disorder where the person sees themselves as so ugly and hideously deformed, they feel they have no right to even be alive and fear to be around others. I eventually turned to drink as my ‘coping mechanism” because that was the only way I could be around others and feel somewhat human. I’d been in and out of the hospital 7 times and had seen more Dr’s and taken more meds (often while still drinking) than I can remember. I even had shock therapy to try and overcome the overwhelming depression and hatred for myself.

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I am Freed from Being a Lesbian

Some of you, my friends, have asked me, “How did God or what circumstances did He use to free me from being a bi-sexual/lesbian?”

When I first came on the Internet, I didn’t really tell anyone right away about my problem of being a lesbian. All my life I had wanted to change this part of me. I couldn’t stand being a lesbian, with all those perverted thoughts and images and (yes doing the act with a woman) going on in my head. I knew there had to be a way to be free from it, but didn’t know how to be set free. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone for fear of being rejected, unloved, and even neglected especially by GOD.

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I have been keeping a secret since I was 7, I’m 36 now…

I have been keeping a secret since I was 7, I’m 36 now. No one knows about this secret, except for the one person who was hosting the Same Sex Attraction (SSA) Meeting last night.

I feel as though the Holy Spirit came and held me and then whispered in my ears (and fingers) to share…to go ahead and get it off my quiet little mind.

I feel as though I experienced a miracle here at Christians in Recovery so that is why I want to share this with you… I think if I experienced a miracle in my life that I’m to share it with everyone here at cir…. because God has given me Christians in Recovery (CIR) in my life to help me grow and heal. It’s been a journey these past 3-4 years here.

I have been keeping a secret since I was 7, I’m 36 now… Read More »

Living a Double Standard

My feelings of guilt and shame towards a same-sex attraction began at an early age. I experienced frequent sexual abuse from an older male friend during most of my teen years, and hustling for money soon followed.

Years later, I was baptized in a Mennonite Brethren church as a public declaration that I would follow Christ. My secret desire was that maybe now my attraction and sexual fantasies towards men would disappear. They didn’t, and the fantasies soon turned into years of acting out behaviours.

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