Family - Christians in Recovery

Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse

I clearly remember the day my wife, Liz, told me that she had been sexually abused as a child.

We were watching TV and I could tell she wasn’t really interested in the show.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her, unaware that her answer would turn my world upside down.

“My stepfather sexually abused me when I was a child,” Liz said.

There was a long period of silence as I searched for something to say. Here I was, suddenly presented with a startling revelation. I was dumbfounded.

Liz stared at me, waiting for a reaction.

Questions began to flood my thoughts. I really didn’t know what to think.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Why would your stepfather do such a thing?”

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Depression and the Recovery Process

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The unrelenting sadness and hopelessness that characterized my experience with depression is something I will never forget. In the grips of depression I often felt paralyzed, not possessing the strength to rise from bed or even to open my eyes in the morning. I felt completely alone, unable to make contact with anyone, not even Almighty God. I lost interest in life and the things that make life special. I became reclusive and withdrawn, not wanting to be with friends I alternated between insomnia and exhaustion. I couldn’t concentrate. And always, I felt inexplicably sad. Nothing made me happy. Most frightening of all, I made intricate preparations for my death. ¹

This year, 17 million Americans will suffer from depressive illness. In 1988 the General Accounting Office estimated that up to half of the homeless suffer from chronic phychiatric disorders. ² – many also addicted to alcohol and drugs. While severe forms of psychosis are readily recognized, depressive disorders, which are more subtle, can be overlooked as factors that prevent program participants from moving forward in recovery.

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Jairus’ Daughter – a Bible Story that Sparked My Eating Disorder Recovery

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Could a simple Bible story spark eating disorder recovery? Well, for me, it did. The account of Jairus’ daughter, found in Mark 5:35-43, became the catalyst to hope, life, freedom, and yes, my recovery. I chronicle my eating disorder odyssey, recovery included, in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.” From this scriptural passage, I encountered tangible proof that God’s Word was relevant and applicable. I learned some good news, all right.

Nothing’s too difficult; no one’s too impossible for God.
I saw that in Jairus’ daughter. I have, likewise, seen it in my own life, as well as the lives of others. And this simple Bible story is now a declaration of hope to all young girls and women, dealing with eating disorders, food, weight and body image issues. You, too, can arise!

“Little girl, I say unto you, arise.”

I had done and been so many horrible things. As far as I was concerned, I was on my way to hell. But I couldn’t shake the thoughts of this story. Was there hope that I wasn’t doomed after all?

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Understanding and Living our Relationships According to God

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… diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Who do we have relationships with? What are our most important relationships? How should we handle our relationships with others? Is our interaction with others pleasing to God?

Who do we have relationships with?

What are our most important relationships? (In this order)

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Married to an Unbelieving Alcoholic

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Ask Angie: My husband is an alcoholic. Although I have committed to staying with him, I can’t help but regard him with disgust even AFTER he’s been drinking. Thanks to the biblical principles you teach, I’m learning how to detach when he’s drinking, but in the days following a drinking binge I don’t feel any affection for him. In the early days of our marriage (we’ve been married 20 years), I was able to warm up to him once the drinking passed. Now I am just filled with disgust. Please give me some advice. Thank you.

Marriage Guidance: We commend you for your commitment to your marriage. This shows your love for God and your willingness to please Him and do His will. You are an inspiration for others who are living with an alcoholic spouse.

Your feelings are understandable seeing that some alcoholics can be sloppy in behavior and unclean in appearance and habits. The behaviors and appearance of the alcoholic can cause much resentment build up, which is what’s happening with you. You are just now learning to detach and part of detachment is separating the alcoholic behaviors and sickness from the person you met, loved and married. When we allow the alcoholic behaviors to overtake our own thoughts we will become disgusted and resentful over the alcoholic, even during bouts of sobriety.

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Women & Substance Abuse

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Although women drink less than men, the number of women who do drink is significant. Estimates indicate that of the 15.1 million people who abuse alcohol or are alcohol-dependent, 4.6 million are women. That means that roughly one-third of alcoholics are women.
The number of women who report using illicit drugs is alarming, although women are less likely to use illicit drugs than men. Five percent of women and 8 percent of men report having used illicit drugs during the last 30 days.

In 1989, 43 percent of drug abuse patients admitted to emergency rooms were female and 56 percent were male.
Cigarette use among women has decreased at the rate of about 1 percent each year since 1985. Use during the last 30 days by women was at 24.2 percent in 1990, down from a 1985 figure of 28.1 percent.
Women who drink heavily or are alcoholic are more likely to become victims of the alcohol-related aggression of others, such as date rape.
Drinking varies among women of different racial or ethnic backgrounds. African American women were more likely to abstain from drinking alcohol (66.9 percent) than White women (52.6 percent) during the month prior to their interview.

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Am I Codependent or being a Good Christian?

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On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching:

(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)

(Shouldn’t Christians do the same?).

“Codependents martyr themselves.”
(Doesn’t Christianity honor its martyrs?)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:.

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Am I Codependent?

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If you think or believe the following statements, it may be a sign that you are codependent:

My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention is focused on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

My mental attention is focused on manipulating you “to do it my way.”

My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

My self esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

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Do You Want to Be Righteous or Right?

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Do we want to be righteous… or do we want to be right? It seems, these days, that many people have difficulties taking constructive criticism. The fact is, our egos are so sensitive (so self-centered) that we want everyone to approve of us all the time, rather than accepting the kind of sacrificial love that comes from a friend who wants us to be right with God. And, oh my goodness, what turmoil wells up inside us when we are rebuked! We take it as a personal offense, rather than quietly wondering if perhaps it’s really true and we should do something about it.

A rebuke strikes deeper into a discerning person than a hundred blows into a fool.

Friends don’t let friends sin. That’s the simple fact about Christianity. If we are true to our faith, we understand that everything here is temporal and our focus should be on the eternal. And the eternal is concerned with pleasing God.

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What is Wisdom and How do We Acquire it?

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We know there are a lot of broken, miserable, angry, sad, frustrated, married couples who are not living their marriage in the “ways of the Lord”. Every day they trudge in their daily routine barely able to take another day. When we are going through such issues in our marriage, such as being married to an abusive alcoholic, or married to a unfaithful man or woman we only see as clear as our feelings will let us see. This is not enough to repair damage done to the marriage.

We have to go beyond our feelings and emotions and try to understand what is happening in our marriage so we can do something about it in the spiritual way and not through how we are feeling about it. It’s difficult to do but it is what NEEDS to be done. If we continue in our own perspective by “how we are feeling” we truly do not grow spiritually and we stay within our own private little world of emotions.

This is where wisdom comes into the picture. As scripture says, we have to throw off everything that hinders us or lay aside every weight that is keeping us from seeing clearly so we can win the race; this includes how we are feeling, which may be ill will and resentment towards our spiritually sick spouse and other loved ones. Feelings are ok to have, we need to experience our feelings, but we also need to recognize when our feelings become stumbling blocks in our growth with God.

…let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

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