Looking at how the strengths, weaknesses, and dynamics of relationship with our opposite~sexed primary caregiver affects us as we enter adulthood and pair up with a partner.
- How our earliest relationships affect our mate selection
- How we learn from that and look for healthier traits in our adult relationships
- Why we are attracted to certain kinds of people
Lead by Tracy R. Warring Against Relational Sabotage
Host Welcome to the workshop on Father/daughter, Mother/son relationships Workshop Leader will be sharing with you on … Reactive Attachment Disorder and …Looking at how the strengths, weaknesses, and dynamics of relationship with our opposite-sexed primary caregiver affects us as we enter adulthood and pair up with a partner. I will open with prayer..
Host Father God….
ty for being our Father who is in Heaven
the One we can call on and turn to at all times
in all things
Participant #1 yes, Lord
Host teach us Lord what is Your will and Your heart for us
be with Workshop Leader Lord God and she shares her heart
and her experiences with us this evening
Participant #1 yes, Jesus
and give us strength and peace and courage to hear Your heart in these things
and to know Your light in our way
Participant #1 yes, Lord
Host we look to You Lord at this time
give us eyes to see and ears to hear
and a heart to know
in Jesus Holy Mighty name we pray
amen
Participant #1 amen
Participant #2 Amen
Participant #3 amen
Participant #4 amen
Workshop Leader amen
Host and now i introduce to you Workshop Leader………….
please share your heart Workshop Leader….
Workshop Leader Hello…. I’m very excited to be here tonight to talk to you……
this is my first chat in a long time…..
so I hope I can be clear….
Participant #5 we’re glad you’re here
Workshop Leader talk to you…… about childhood father/daughter and mother/son relationships……
Workshop Leader thanks….and how those relationships affect us in adulthood as we pair up…looking for a partner in life…..
Some of us find ourselves seeing a pattern in our failed relationships….
confused as to why we seem to end up with the same kind of person over and over,…
or wonder what attracts us to one person over another….
I don’t mean to try to oversimplify, knowing how complicated humans are, especially in terms of being in a relationship….
but there are certain foundations we need as we grow through the various stages of childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood….
Not one of us has escaped our childhood without wounds, or deficiencies, no matter how good or loving our parents were……
And wherever there was lacking…. or wounds, we become “emotionally stuck” at the age of our woundedness in that area of development…..
Coming into adulthood with these wounds, we develop personas that we present to others trying to keep from further rejection….. or in more extreme cases one would say a Jekyll/Hyde personality…..
We all have different degrees of woundedness, therefore some people are much more emotionally healthy than others…..
I want to interject that this affects us all, whether christian or not, because we all sin and have wounds…
Thank God for all that He has given us…….and for His grace, mercy and forgiveness…
However, when we become Christians or if we have always been, we still have our issues to deal with and heal from…It doesn’t just go away when we get saved….
Our attraction to another is mostly an unconscious attraction that drives us towards potential partners. And it is the “frozen child” within us looking to complete what we missed or lost out on in being parented…..
Or us trying, consciously or unconsciously, to avoid a similar area of woundedness…..
For example…if a woman had a distant father who wasn’t around much or ignored her, she is going to be attracted to a more clingy type man…
or a man is physically attracted to a woman and ends up marrying her …only to discover later, she is very much like his mother was….and she steps more into the role of mother instead of wife, because she never learned what being a wife was…..because of her woundedness..
So, the key to healing oneself and/or relationship is to find the right information to help understand where the woundedness is…
and to use the knowledge to “reparent” those areas of woundedness and mature in those areas…..
All of course through the love of Christ, his word, and the wisdom it gives…
so there is a lot of things that work into the mix of our adult lives and the
partners we end up with………
am I correct that there are only women here tonight? I’m not sure
Participant #4 nope..just checked still a man lol
Host one man
Workshop Leader we can definitely speak to both……sorry Participant #4!!
Participant #4 no prob..an honest mistake
Workshop Leader That is what I had to open with…..we can get into more of the characteristics, if you’d like……not sure how many had a chance to look at some of the pages on Radwars
so I guess if it’s ok…..we can open the floor to ???
Host sure
who has a comment or question for Workshop Leader?
Participant #5 !
Host please ga Participant #5
Participant #5 Thank you
Participant #5 Workshop Leader – you’ve shared some interesting ideas – I happen to be a person who has been “stuck” in many places because of a very abusive life since I was four – how do I begin to know where to start
Workshop Leader I’m sorry for the hardships…….what do you mean by start? finding someone? healing a current relationship?
Sorry, figuring out why most of my relationships especially friendships have ended in failure – I know it’s not all my fault
I want to learn how to find out what needs to be reparented
I took a class called Lifeskills at my church……. I went through it twice because that was required to become a group leader… which is what I want to do…
the process was amazing because it takes you through the stages of child development, what is needed to form healthy bonded attachment…..
you learn healthy parenting from poor parenting, and learning about how family relationships go ary……
for instance, if mother and father don’t have a good relationship, sometimes the mother will seek out a son for companionship, etc and become emotionally dependent on him
which causes a lot of issues as he matures and and grows….
so basically, finding out what normal and healthy is…..finding out where things weren’t right as you were growing up
and how they affected you……if your father was distant, harsh, pushover, etc.. all affects you……did I answer ?
Participant #5 Thank you – is Lifeskills offered as a correspondence course?
Workshop Leader Lifeskills Int. is based out of Colorado and is offered across the country in various churches……so their website would be a good starting point to see where the closest one might be
Host what is the website Workshop Leader?
Participant #5 also please remind us of your rad website
Workshop Leader http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
Workshop Leader www.radwars.org
Host who would like to go next .. a comment or a question?
Participant #3 I looked at the Radwars website I thought it was interesting really liked some of the music videos too done
Workshop Leader i love music……..it is very healing
Workshop Leader 🙂
Host !
Participant #3 love the real mesong
Host i can really relate to choosing relationships in my life
with the patters you were talking about…
and for a long time i was aware that i didn’t know how to change that in me
what was so broken from childhood
it was like i knew cuz of my weak parents i was lookin for someone strong
but i didn’t know how to be ok with me in the process
it was like i was always at the mercy of my attitudes
do we ever really get reparented enough?
Workshop Leader not until we reach heaven…….I don’t believe…….I look at how much I have healed and grown in the last two years, to find myself in a new relationship where I got hurt bad, just in a whole new way….LOL…then you realize just how much farther it is……..
we are always learning……always growing…..it’s what we do with the pain, how we let it affect our lives
I can get so down on myself sometimes, and then I think, what for? all we can do is keep surrendering to Christ and heal…..
http://www.radwars.org/odetomatchdotcom.html I wrote this afterward…..you can read it later………..
but basically whenever we stray from the path God has for us…….all we can do is run back to Him done
Host i think the key for me is to make new choices
not the old choices
from old things
Workshop Leader amen
Host who has questions or comments?
Participant #1 Workshop Leader, you mention about learning from what was done wrongly in our own parenting…
what did not work, what was dysfunctional…
and I know that is so very important..
but I also know in my own life…
that I went to an opposite extreme in fear…
I grew up with two alcoholic parents…
and I was terrified to have friendships and any relationships with anyone who drank at all…
I know today that I am less fearful..
but I do still have a level of this fear in my life…
and that definitely determined what I looked for in a marriage partner…
if I met a man who drank, I would not continue to see him..
even if he drank only a small amount..
my fear was so great…
and I mention this to ask…
do you believe that the Lord can be the One to do a great re-parenting work in our lives…
because I find since turning to and depending on Him so much more..
that I have been able to give up much of the extreme fear in my life..
ty done
Participant #2 Don’t mean to interrupt
Workshop Leader and thanks so much for being here tonight…
sharing on this issue.
Just wanted to say I totally agree with Participant #1‘s statement.
I can’t go back and undo any of the Raising I had as a child…
but the Lord has gone so far in helping me be able to know healthy relationships with Him and with others.
Done
Host please ga Workshop Leader
Workshop Leader our relationship with Christ for sure is incredible………..the most healing thing I’ve done in the last year was getting a hold of two books….by Sheri Rose Shepherd…
Workshop Leader one is His Princess, love letters from your king…..the other His Princess Bride, love letters from your prince
one is short letters as if God was writing it to you as his daughter, the other as if Christ was writing to you as his bride, the bride of Christ which all of us are
they were so healing and affirming in the father/daughter realm………as well as Jesus, the lover of our soul…..
awesome books
Host please ga Participant #5
Participant #5 These very books were recommended to me some time ago but I didn’t see me as a Princess so I steered clear – fyi – here is a link that may be useful http://search.half.ebay.com/Sheri-Rose-Shepherd_W0QQmZbooksQQ_trksidZp3030Q2em1446Q2el2686
Workshop Leader yes…….at first I thought how silly…
Host relates
Workshop Leader but as I read one a day…..I was amazed at how it was touching my soul
back to Participant #1‘s alcoholic comments earlier…
one thing I learned was that when you strive so very hard to make sure you don’t end up with someone that does this or that…whether alcohol, or other addictions….
you end up with someone just like that……..but……if you seek someone with this and that positive trait, it is a whole different focus and healthier
Host who has some comments or questions for Workshop Leader?
Host please ga Participant #3
Participant #3 ty rose I told you Workshop Leader earlier that I had a good relationship with my mom …
but in retrospect there were some very definite problems like you said earlier…
I experience that very emotional incest with her i think that’s what you call it…
though we had a close friendship almost as well as bond mother to daughter
but I didn’t have a dad at all until she remarried when I was 8
so she really had to be good in my eyes
she was all I had…
but she was a very good person but her marriages were pretty unhappy…
and I was really brought into her relationship problems…
with her husbands two after my bio dad had to leave us when I was a baby…
that I felt almost more like her son…
like you put it mother son
cause of being a surrogate spouse a bit
it felt special to be confided in
but she sort of turned me against the men
because they tended to be takers opportunist marry her to be financially secure…
so I didn’t respect them and they weren’t such really so loving men…
one would make passes at me some when I was younger…
and I do know how I experienced some of the Lord healing through reperanting…
I had two spiritual mothers early on in my Christiian life
mentors I really had a need for done thank you for any of your thoughts done
Workshop Leader yes…thank you for your vulnerability……I’m sure the gender lines get crossed a lot……..but the damage is the same…..to put a child in a position of an adult is wrong and harmful to your health…
and your future relationships……
Participant #3 yes
Workshop Leader I’m so glad God brought others into your life to mentor you and be there for you in a good way……..
Participant #3 a it but they took advantage of me a bit too
Participant #3 ut thanks
Workshop Leader I’m just now dealing with some mother issues after coming back to where my family is after 30 years
Participant #3 God wanted to heal forsure
Workshop Leader my stepdad molested me while my mother looked away…….
I made excuses for her and didn’t really see her woundedness til this last year……….to the depths that is was
her mother died a horrible death at home from cancer……in front of her when she was 8
she was a great mother is so many ways but never realized how bad it was til this past year……..
so to come to terms with what was her stuff and where i needed to make boundaries with her was a huge step……
Workshop Leader and what was not my fault……life is hard…… healing and forgiveness is the only way out from the damage……
Host one thing from what you just said.. i have a strong tendency to make excuses for others behaviors
when i have looked for their help and care
and they have given me less…
im not sure that is wrong in and of itself
except when i use it to NOT deal with the pain
Workshop Leader yes
Host that is where the challenge is for me done
Participant #1 ty great point
Host who has some thoughts?
Participant #4 the greatest thing I was ever told….
when I first talked to a psychologist…
was that what happened to me…
when I was a kid…
was not my fault…
I was a kid…
and vulnerable…
I was powerless….
to do anything…
to help or defend myself…
I refer…
to my mother’s abuse….
physical, mental and emotional…
the memories never go away….
but I have learned….
how to forgive…
for me…
being told repeatedly…
as when a small child…
by your mother…
that she wished you had died …
the day you were born….
leaves a scar…
the physical beatings..
which left me so numb…
at times…
that I didn’t feel any pain….
affect the emotional…
state….
I never knew how bad things were…
until years later…
alcohol/drugs…
numbed the pain…
I blocked most things …
from my conscious mind…
for years..
I had many volatile…
and failed relationships..
because I didn’t know how…
to be in one…
the mental scars…
leave an imprint…
on our personality…
and character…
it was only when I became..
a born again Christian…
that I was able to let go…
of the anger, hate and resentments..
that I had carried most of my adult life…
God..
and forgiveness….
were the only remedy…
to overcome my past..
I still have the memories..
but I don’t dwell on them any more…
life is too short…
to dwell on and live in the past…
I can’t go back and change any of…
the things I did…
to hurt others..
anymore than I can go back to my ..
childhood…
my past makes me who I am today…
I have more understanding..
and compassion …
for others who are in similar…
situations..
and have survived….
I am a survivor…
and with God’s help…
I have learned to live a better life…
free of my past
done
Workshop Leader that’s an incredible testimony, teddy……..
Participant #4 that was just the highlights 🙂
Host please ga Participant #3
Participant #3 I think I always felt for so long any way that there was something wrong with me
and it haunted me
Host btdt
Participant #1 relate
Participant #3 I really didn’t think nor did anyone else believe I could expect anything better then going with someone who wasn’t christian wasn’t really interested in marriage nor wasn’t really even committed to me really
and i thought I could not find someone better than this
not that he wasn’t Ok himself just really not right for me
and once in the relationship I felt compelled to pursue and stay in it for 11 years
was not so bright my only “love ” relationship
but was really abusive in that when people live outside marriage
in a sexual relationship it is abusive
and wrong
and dysfunctional too
done
Host tyfs Participant #3
this has been a very good meeting.. would you like to share last Workshop Leader before we close in prayer?
Participant #3 bad picker
but made him a red herring
done
Host ty Workshop Leader for the meeting…….
Host would someone like to close in prayer ?
Participant #1 Thank You, Lord, for all that You are in our lives…
please grant us Your heart…
that we may grow in Your love and forgiveness…
Host ty that You love us
with an everlasting Love
Participant #1 to overcome the pain and hurt of our pasts…
and grow into the loving people You desire us to be…
Host yes Lord God
Participant #1 please bless Workshop Leader in her ministry and in all she is and does..
Host yes Father
Participant #1 and thank You for this time we have had to share together this evening..
Host keep drawing her close to YOU
precious Jesus
Participant #1 and thank You for being the greatest Father we could ever have..
Workshop Leader amen!!!
Host YES
Participant #1 in Jesus’ holy and precious name we pray
Participant #1 amen
Workshop Leader – do you do coaching
I would be happy to talk to you about that….
Host ty all for being here
Participant #1 ty for hosting us
Host i have learned alot
Participant #1 great meeting
Participant #3 my mom is now just getting used to another strange new person being here in evenings
Workshop Leader yes….was there something else?
Participant #3 no just thank you also it was very helpful
its so hard to think about being in a relationship again
Workshop Leader I’m glad you came……there is so much info…..hard to know what to share
Participant #3 when you were in such a dysfunctional one
Workshop Leader yes it can be scary
Participant #3 yes very
Workshop Leader i know what you mean…..
all we can do is seek God and what he would have us do…..and surrender to self
Participant #3 I got into a sight that asks men what kinds of things really makes them
run in a woman
and neediness insecurity
and negative jealousy were big ones that caused red flags he said
Workshop Leader i can see that
Participant #3 being negative about yourself
yeah its hard to think any man would ever be interested in me
but inside that’s something i think i really want
Workshop Leader the best thing I ever did was become ok with myself and be confident…..you attract a whole different crowd……
Participant #3 yeah
and are attracted to healthier people
for sure
just so many at 53 that are married or not interested anymore
Workshop Leader yes……..and it is so very freeing to not feel like you NEED to find someone but that it would be nice to share life with someone else
Participant #3 yes that’s true
Workshop Leader I know at least 4 woman over 53 and they are doing well……..and dating and figuring things out…..it is not too late
Participant #3 I’ve heard its good to be in a place of not needing something from someone else
but being open for someone
not needing a person to meet needs
but rather if we can start serving others
Workshop Leader just keep close to the Lord and keep working on yourself…..all else will fall into place……..i hate to but I have to get up at 5am……ugh…….so I’d better run…..
Workshop Leader you are on the right track
Participant #3 loving them and giving maybe Ill be in a better place to think about what I can give to another