If you’re unhappy in your marriage but don’t believe in divorce, lets do something about it! I can tell you what four steps that are needed to get you back on track for your marriage, but you have to put in the effort, sound fair enough? Take a look at these few principles below and see in what areas you can begin to improve on.
Stop Wallowing In Your Misery
Stop wallowing in your misery about how unhappy you feel, instead do something about your circumstances that will still protect the sanctity of your marriage. If you sit around thinking about how bad your marriage is and how much better your next-door neighbors marriage is, you will unknowingly keep yourself from having the right attitude. What your think will be generated through your actions. Usually those people who believe the grass is greener across the fence end up testing out the turf for themselves. Let me tell you a big secret. It is not true. No grass is really greener, it is a total mirage! You’re hungry for love and stopped eating at home, that’s all.
Stop looking At Spouses Faults
Why do some of us do this – continually seek out the bad in our spouse rather than the good? I think we do it because we are so miserable that we remain in a negative frame of mind. The more we blame our spouse or the more we seek out wanting to fault them for the disarray of the marriage, the worse we will feel inside. This kind of attitude keeps us from seeing the positive aspects of our circumstances and we will not want to work on repairing the broken ends of the marriage. We do it to ourselves, folks. We talk ourselves out of staying married! Let’s not let your marriage become another divorce statistic. Take your focus off your spouse and put the spotlight on yourself.
Let Go For The Need To Control
Most people want to control their spouse or change them to meet certain standards so they can feel better about themselves. The truth is you cannot change your spouse to be that perfect person for you. Let go of trying to alter things that you are powerless to change. If you can truly release the burden of knowing you are powerless to change your spouse, a heavy burden will be instantly lifted from your shoulders. It really will! Try it! Let “it” go.
Here is a simple example of the kind of control you need to let go of. So your spouse is an alcoholic and you are trying to control him or her to stop drinking. How do you do that? How CAN you do that? Alcoholism is an addiction and cannot be controlled by anyone other than the alcoholic. You cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking by shouting, nagging, demanding, blaming, accusing, crying, controlling, or any other means. The alcoholic has to WANT to change himself, period. Why consume yourself into the addiction with the alcoholic. Let “it” go!
Think about this. Even if you could control your spouse and they change for you, they will undeniably be a very miserable person for not actually changing for themselves, won’t they? Is that what you really want? To be married to an unhappy and bitter person?
Take Care Of You!
The next step after you let “it” go is to take care of you! What can you do to make yourself happy? Is there anything you can change about yourself to make you feel better about the person you are? Read any good inspirational and thought provoking books lately, or are you too busy focusing on your spouse and how terrible they are? Do you see where I’m going with this? Move away from what is making you feel discontented and do something about it.
You are only responsible for what you do in the marriage. Your spouse is not responsible for your actions in the marriage, just as you are not responsible for their actions. If you could learn to just take care of YOU and your part in the marriage, your spouse will finally get some needed space and breathing room to see that maybe they are erring and hopefully change for themselves.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”– Carl Gustav Jung
Questions For Couples
1. What are some of the ways you can learn to not dwell on the negative of your marriage?
2. Do you think there are areas in your marriage that you try and control and change? Write down what those areas are. Now write down alternate ways to handle those areas rather than trying to control or change your spouse.
Areas you now try to control:
What alternate ways can you stop trying to control or change those areas:
Remember: trying to change or control our spouse or circumstances in the marriage does not work, it will only cause resentment – so why keep trying? Pray that God give you the power and the wisdom to understand that you are powerless to change things you have no power over to change. Pray for your spouse instead and be the shinning light of Christ to your spouse and let them decide to change themselves. Don’t have expectations for your marriage or spouse.
1. Why do we like to make ourselves the victim or the good guy in our marriage? Are we really the good guy and they the bad guy? Do you feel like a victim?
2. Name five ways in which you can start to take care of you?
1. Do you think your thoughts and attitude helps to facilitate unhappiness in marriage?