Yes me. Ashton. You should take this personally. I am writing myself here because everything I could tell myself out loud I won’t hear. Everything anyone says won’t help. All advice, admonishment, promises and pleas will fall on my deaf ears. And frankly, I don’t believe I even deserve the energy that all of that would take.
I know from this moment on that I will only call myself drug addict. I will not use my name because I have relinquished it. My name belongs to the person I no longer am. I am now…just drug addict.
I have surrendered my human identity, by which was no one’s choice but my own.
I have lost all personality, individuality, and any ounce of integrity.
I have lost all the things that made me a special human being and I have gained the notoriety of generalization.
I am nothing more than drug addict; one of millions who are all the same. All the lies are the same. All the false promises are the same. All the paths lead to the same hell. I know that I no longer hold the power of influence over those I love because I no longer have any power over myself.
I need to realize that my self hatred and destruction will not be bought into by anyone. I need to acknowledge that the drugs and my need for them have replaced all love, truth, respect, loyalty and, most importantly, all faith in God. The drugs are my obsession, my mistress, my preoccupation, my reason for living, my higher power. There is no space for anyone else.
I am tired of watching myself hurt whom to which I’m closest. I am sick of witnessing myself manipulate them. I am repulsed by my ample broken promises, my lies, my lack of accountability, I place the blame everywhere but with myself. I am tired of waiting for me to fail, relapse, go back on my own word, disappear, steal.
I am horrified by how stupid I think I am, and how I have no respect for myself or those who still care about me. I am so close now to reaching the end of the line. I might come out of it alive and clean. That is my wish but I need to acknowledge how unlikely that is. My track record is not good.
I know that it is possible that I will die, or end up in jail, or some institution. Honestly, I am on my own now, and it is only me who can make all those choices. Even though it all starts with that one. I can’t watch. I need to walk away.
None of it is up to anyone but me.
Maybe, if I survive, I will see the pain I have caused to those who I’ve loved the most.
Maybe, if I survive, I will ask them for forgiveness for the abuse, lies and sordid situations I put them into.
Maybe, if I survive, I will have this conversation with me, to earn my name once more.
Maybe if I survive, I will finally be one with God.
~ Ashton Smith