My Husband Cheated On Me. I am Having Major Trust Issues.

Ask Angie: My husband cheated on me and says he’s sorry. It went on for 4 1/2 months in front of me, whether it was text messaging while I was cooking dinner or helping with homework, or just while I was in the shower and all during work. Then he made a trip to Dallas and had her meet him there. I found out about them when I saw a text message on his phone that she sent him a song and loved him and he said he loved her… when confronted, he denied it and then when I had facts I could place together, said he didn’t know why he did it and it was nothing. I asked if it was nothing, then why was he in love with her? It goes on… he says it’s over and hasn’t had any contact with her, but I know he has another email address and refuses to give me any passwords to check out his story. I am obviously having major issues forgiving him and trusting him again. I don’t know what to do. We’ve talked, we’ve expressed, we’ve been intimate; however, he never lost his intimacy during the 4 ½ months, so I feel as if he is just doing this and will make it seem as if we are doing fine, then go back to the way it was. Help.

Marriage Guidance: I can certainly understand the suspicions you have towards your husband. But suspicions will not repair and restore your marriage. Please print out this marriage column and read it together with your husband. Then you can both come together in Christ and begin working on the broken links of your marriage. It takes both wife and husband to put in effort towards restoration. I would like to encourage you to take care of YOU! Your husband NEEDS to take responsibility for his actions and change if he wants to really SAVE this marriage.

For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes NOT from the Father but from the world. 1 John 2:16

Since we know that lustful thinking and behavior is a worldly thing, it means then, to be able to save your marriage, you both need to come to Christ in repentance and ask for forgiveness of your sins…and live your marriage under the influence of Jesus Christ. If you want to be forgiven for your trespasses (adultery) you must be willing to forgive others their trespasses and repent of any wrong doing you have done against the marriage. If you are not willing to do that then I can’t support or encourage you any longer. You have come to the wrong ministry for help.

But if you are willing to change your ways, work on your weaknesses, and learn to love others the way Christ has loved you, then please email us (Frank and Angie) for the encouragement and support of your marriage that you desperately need. Your marriage can be saved but you both have to be willing to work the steps towards restoration. No one can do that for you. Heaven Ministries is only a guide to steer you in the right direction. Once you’re on the road that leads to God, follow your conscience and the seed that is planted in your heart will grow.

If you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. Job 11:14-15

The Grass Is Not Greener On The Other Side of the Fence

If we sin against our marriage because we want to have fun and we think the grass looks greener over there on the other side of the fence, we’re only hurting ourselves – we’re hurting our spirituality and relationship with our Creator/Savior. The reality is the grass only LOOKS greener for only a short moment in time… but soon it looks drab and yellow and we wish we had never strayed over to that grass in the first place.

The biggest mistake couples make in their marriage is to allow their worldly feelings to control their actions and behavior. We have to test our feelings FIRST before we jump the gun and do something we will regret later. We test our feelings by TRUSTING in God with our feelings. That is why we pray! We pray to talk to God. We pray for assurance, encouragement, and guidance. We pray when we are tempted. We pray for others when they are hurting. Your prayers to God are what make your relationship with Him grow! Try it and see for yourself. Are you trusting in God with your feelings? Or are you giving your feelings away to the world?

We have lust feelings to begin with because our mind and attitude are not on Christ but on the world. We lust after what does not belong to us and become selfish and greedy over things in the world because our attitude is meshed within these things of the world. The more we remain distant from Jesus the more we will continue to live in lustful, greedy, and selfish ways.

So I say, live by the Spirit (Jesus Christ – Holy Spirit), and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

If you are willing to be accountable for your actions then you must go to your Maker and ask for forgiveness and turn away from your life of sin, and become a NEW man or woman in the Lord. Talk to your spouse about your needs. Don’t hold things inside where they fester and cause more damage to your soul. Communicate your needs instead of allowing your needs to become sinful. Lust feelings come and go like the rising and setting of the sun. What we think about on a continual basis becomes our actions. Don’t let your thoughts wonder from what is good and right.

Take Responsibility For Your Actions and Be Accountable

If you have sinned against your marriage you need take responsibility for your actions and become accountable for them. First responsibility is to God. Repent and seek forgiveness. Second responsibility is to your spouse. What are you going to do that will show your spouse that you have stopped in your weakness and can be trusted? It is the responsibility of the adulterer to do whatever it takes to assure their spouse they are not sinning against the marriage any longer. That means this:

1. Show them your computer activities, email accounts, passwords, log files, etc.

2. Show them your cell phone records.

3. Allow them to show up at your work place or call you at work at any time.

4. Whatever else you both decide together that is needed

This is what accountability is all about. There shouldn’t be a problem if you aren’t doing anything wrong against your spouse and marriage, right? This is an absolute must for restoration of the marriage. Many of your concerns and questions are answered in the book Adultery Pandemic. Read the book together, study it, and discuss the issues together. Focus on what you can do to encourage one another.

Adultery Pandemic – Restore Your Marriage After Adultery