Ask Angie: I forgave husband of infidelity and adultery now he won’t talk to me nor sleep close to me what am I doing wrong?
Marriage Guidance: How can forgiveness be wrong? Forgiving others their trespasses against us is always the right thing to do, even if they continue trespassing against us. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. All you can do is your part in the marriage and it looks like you are attempting to do that by forgiving your husband. You didn’t tell me if he has repented of adultery or not so I can only speculate that he has not.
Let’s talk about ways in which we can heal ourselves and restore marriage after adultery.
Make God First in Marriage
When we put God first in our life, above everything else, we are doing what we should be doing in the Lord. Other people’s behaviors and actions are not anything we can control. Until you actually talk with your husband, you may not know why he is not talking or sleeping close to you. His conscience is most likely giving him some hard-hitting emotions as well, such as guilt, shame, frustration and confusion.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
We can control our own behavior and actions by giving our negative feelings to God and letting Him guide us in His ways. Adultery hurts. It’s not something that can be made better in a short period of time, in fact, without Christ in our marriage and His principles set upon our hearts we may never heal from adultery…but only carry our burdens into another relationship. This is not what we want — we want to be healed from our sins and not be tempted by them ever again, right? Let’s read on.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. (Psalm 32:8)
Marriage needs a firm foundation and the couples in the marriage need to heal from the sin of adultery. It takes both husband and wife to do their part in the Lord for healing ands restoration to take place. You are on the right track as far as finding forgiveness in your heart.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)
Repentance
Your husband needs to repent and truly feel remorseful for what he has done to you and to God. We can’t just superficially repent of our sins and think everything is going to be ok. It doesn’t work like that. Some people only repent because they got caught and now want to look righteous and holy to others, but God KNOWS OUR HEART.
True repentance involves not only remorse for what we have done, but also a turning away from the sin and NOT being a slave to sin any longer. We all sin, but Christians are not to be slaves to sin. The reality is if your husband does not turn his life around and seek God for His life, he will be trapped within his selfish desires to sin. In other words, he won’t have a way out. Christ is our way out!
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. (Romans 6:6-7)
Without Jesus Christ (Holy Spirit) in our lives we are not complete people. We need God to live the righteous life we were meant to live! Even so, we will never be perfect people and will still have moments of weakness and sin in our lives. The difference is we will not be in bondage to sin any longer — we can run from it and not allow it to become a part of who we are.
They went out and preached that people should repent. (Mark 6:12)
Our book, Adultery Pandemic: Healing Ourselves and Restoring Marriage guides couples through the process of healing from adultery. I talk about the importance of forgiveness, but I also stress how believers handle their problems on a different level and through a different perspective than those who do not have the support of Christ for their marriage.
Believers should not handle their affairs like the masses do, who delight in revenge, unforgivness and divorce. Divorce is rebellious and harmful to everyone involved, even if you don’t think so at the time. Divorce looks like the right move to make at the time, but it never is. Why do you think God hates divorce so much? Could it be because He made us ONE FLESH with our first husband or wife?
Check out our new eBook called the Permanency of Marriage that talks about the teachings of Jesus Christ on Divorce and Remarriage — this is a free eBook that you can download right onto your desktop. Hard copies available upon request.
Accountability
Accountability is a must in marriage. Without accountability you would never be able to trust your spouse again. Who are adulterers accountable to? Are they accountable to their spouses? What about God? The truth is we’re all accountable to God, even non-believers! How can this be? God is our Father who created everything in the world and He provided us with the ability to make choices. Unbelievers can do whatever they wish in this short life, but God is watching. God knows what’s in our heart and that is what’s important.
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)
Responsibility
The biggest disadvantage I usually come across from couples in marriage is their unwillingness to take responsibility for “their part” in the marriage. They don’t want to change themselves because they’re too busy trying to change the person they married. Couples focus too much time and energy on what each other is doing, or not doing rather than on themselves.
Essentially couples want to be responsible for one another but not for themselves. How discouraging. Don’t worry if your spouse is not doing what you think they ought to be doing — give them a little bit of breathing space and then come together in prayer and communication. Give up the urge to control the behaviors of others and work on what you can control in yourself.
We need to heal our wounds and learn to give our problems over to God so we can be better marriage partners, but a wife can’t heal her husband — she can’t repent for him. A husband can’t heal his wife — he can’t make her forgive and trust him again. The healing process is God’s job!! But if we aren’t letting God go to work in our life how can we heal? This is how we take responsibility for our part in the marriage.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28)
Healing from adultery takes repentance, accountability, forgiveness, trust, responsibility and commitment. Adultery Pandemic guides you through the healing process and to marriage restoration.