Codependency

Are You Experiencing True Guilt or False Guilt?

We must differentiate between true guilt, and false guilt. Listen to how Paul differentiates between the two:

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness; to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.2 Corinthians 7:10-11


Before we investigate these types of guilt, I would like to give you an overview.

  • 1. True guilt. Corinthians calls this Godly sorrow in the NIV, or sorrow that is according to the will of God in the NASB.
  • 2. False guilt. Corinthians calls this worldly sorrow in the NIV, or sorrow of the world in the NASB.
    Within false guilt I see two categories:

      a. Deliberate pretended guilt.
      b. Imposed guilt. This is guilt that we, the world, and other people impose upon ourselves.

    • Let’s explore.

    Are You Experiencing True Guilt or False Guilt? Read More »

    Asking for Support: Getting the Help You Need – Part 2

    by Dale & Juanita Ryan | see: Part 1

    We resist getting help

    In spite of the abundance of God’s love and grace and the many ways in which love and grace are available to us, we do not easily reach out for the help we need. Even when we have acknowledged our need for help, we may find ourselves hesitating, finding excuses, resisting. Resistance to getting help is often the result of a mixture of fear and despair and shame.

    Fear

    It can be frightening to get help. In the process we feel vulnerable and exposed. Jim’s Dad had made cutting remarks about him all his life. Jim was so accustomed to hearing that he was lazy and stupid and irresponsible that every time he shared in his support group, he expected to hear these same hurtful comments in response. Even though people didn’t respond this way, Jim imagined that everyone must be privately thinking these things about him. As a result, he would sometimes begin to share only to freeze with fear and find himself unable to talk.

    Asking for Support: Getting the Help You Need – Part 2 Read More »

    Asking for Support: Getting the Help You Need – Part 1

    by Dale & Juanita Ryan
    See: Part 2 | Part 3

    The God of the Bible is a God who saves and heals. The Bible is clear about this: He will deliver the needy who cry out, he will rescue them from oppression and violence. Psalm 72: 12,14) When we see our need, acknowledge our inability to save ourselves, and cry out, God delivers us. God rescues us from oppression and violence. Whether it is the oppression and violence of our compulsions and addictions or the oppression and violence of abuse and neglect, God delivers us and heals us. God is powerful enough and loving enough to deliver us from all of the oppression and violence we face.

    This is the good news proclaimed in Scripture. And it is the basis for our hope on the recovery journey. We cannot save ourselves. Or heal ourselves. But God can. And God will.

    Sound simple? It turns out to be anything but simple. There are several reasons for this. First, we find it hard to believe that God is

    Asking for Support: Getting the Help You Need – Part 1 Read More »

    Discovering Real Love

    Writing to those loved by God the Father, called and kept safe by Jesus Christ. Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!…But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God’s love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life! Jude 1b-2, 20-21, The Message


    We are always changed by our experiences of being loved by God. As we Practice His Presence we will be gently challenged as to what we believe about love. Our wounds associated with love will be “being healed” as we practice his presence.

    The first front of healing in our journey as Son’s and Daughter’s; is to become empowered to more fully receive love from Father. “Be Loved!”

    Discovering Real Love Read More »

    What Do You Gain When You Rescue Someone?

    Proverbs 19:19:
    A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty;
    if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.

    “My husband is a hot-tempered man,” Rosie told me. “In a fit of rage, he broke my mother’s special vase.”

    “What happened next?” I asked.

    Rosie blushed as she talked about rushing to the store to find a vase just like the one her husband broke before her mother returned home.

    I looked into her eyes and asked if she had covered for her husband in the past.

    Rosie wouldn’t look at me. However, she admitted she had rescued her husband many times from the consequences of his behavior.

    “Are you tired of rescuing your husband?”

    What Do You Gain When You Rescue Someone? Read More »

    Challenges for the Recovered Who Become Recovery Staff

    Note: Even though this was written for rescue missions, it is of value to anyone working in the recovery field.

    Rescue missions hire many program graduates and others who have overcome addictions or have grown up in troubled families. They can be excellent examples for mission clients and usually have special compassion and understanding for those who are still hurting. On the other hand, some are hindered in their efforts to minister to others because of their own codependency . Here are a few common symptoms experienced by these “wounded warriors”:

    Inability to detach.

    Challenges for the Recovered Who Become Recovery Staff Read More »

    Another Look at Codependency

    Some who work in the recovery field are hindered in their efforts to minister to others because of their own codependency. Here are a few common symptoms experienced by these “wounded warriors”:


    Inability to detach. Staff members who lack personal acceptance and a good self concept tend to look to their clients for affirmation and a sense of worth. They take their work home with them and tend to feel terribly guilty and personally responsible when a client leaves the mission and messes up his or her life.

    Caretaking & Enabling. They do not allow their clients to become responsible for their own actions and attitudes. Instead, they cover up for them, make excuses, and blameshift. By doing this, they become “enablers”, allowing people then to stay in their sins, addictions, and other problems.

    Another Look at Codependency Read More »

    Am I Codependent or being a Good Christian?

    On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching:

      “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”
      (Aren’t Christians to put others first?) .

      “Codependents give themselves away.”
      (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?).

      “Codependents martyr themselves.”
      (Doesn’t Christianity honor its martyrs?)

    Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

    Codependency says:.

      I have little or no value.
      Other persons and situations have all the value.

    Am I Codependent or being a Good Christian? Read More »

    Am I Codependent?

    If you think or believe the following statements, it may be a sign that you are codependent:

      My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

      My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

      Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention is focused on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

      My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

      My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

      My mental attention is focused on manipulating you “to do it my way.”

      My self ­esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

      My self ­esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

    Am I Codependent? Read More »

    Economic and Financial Abuse

    Economic or financial abuse is one type of domestic violence. It shows up when the husband or partner refuses to allow his spouse to take part in financial decisions. He tells her or implies that women are inferior. He says they don’t have the intelligence or skills to handle finances.

    He insists on keeping the checkbook and all financial records without letting her keep up to date with their financial status. Should he pass away first, she would have no idea how to pay bills, how to keep a checkbook, and how to handle the economic situation. She probably wouldn’t even know where he kept the checkbook and financial records.

    Economic and Financial Abuse Read More »