Self-Esteem

Envy (Self-Esteem & Shame)

It simmers in angst ‘gainst any who steal
Attention, verve, ovation, praise,
It hungers to feel crescendoing zeal
And when deprived its hackles raise.

Unable to rest with unsettled scores,
Hapless, clapless, deeply annoyed,
Allies appear in gossip, half-truths
Searching the world for foes to destroy.

Reputations, torpedoed, fall
Amidst a din of warring words,
Slithering Envy, sated, slips
Unnoticed down a silent hall.

Its handiwork is plain to see,
How many Picassos, afraid to paint,
Bullied, shiver in shadows, reeds,
Bruised and battered, brushes castrate.

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I’m Different: An Abundance of Eyes

eye2-2 God has given you one face, and you make yourself another. Shakespeare

Are you different?

As a wheelchair user, I’m probably hypersensitive to differences. Even after twenty-two years of rolling around, I still feel uncomfortably conspicuous.

My inability to stand up makes me stand out—or at least that’s how it seems to me.

Distinctions are interesting. They spark debate, generate controversy, and attract attention. Life would be bland and boring without the diversity that makes each of us unique and truly one-of-a-kind.

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Toxic Thoughts

poison

Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.

Do you have any toxic habits?

No, I’m not thinking of Oreos or ice cream—despite my doctor’s warnings, those are clearly proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I’m thinking more about thoughts, beliefs, or habits of thinking that limit our ability to live full, free lives.

There’s a lot in life that we can’t control, but we’re always masters of our own attitudes. We’re always free to choose toxic thoughts that poison our minds with self-defeating attitudes.

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Depression and No Self-worth

I’ve struggled and been in horrible, depressing bondage most of my life because I had no concept of self-worth and somehow that became tied to my appearance. I’ve struggled since a young teen with BDD, “body dysmorphic disorder”, a totally disabling disorder where the person sees themselves as so ugly and hideously deformed, they feel they have no right to even be alive and fear to be around others. I eventually turned to drink as my ‘coping mechanism” because that was the only way I could be around others and feel somewhat human. I’d been in and out of the hospital 7 times and had seen more Dr’s and taken more meds (often while still drinking) than I can remember. I even had shock therapy to try and overcome the overwhelming depression and hatred for myself.

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I am Freed from Being a Lesbian

Some of you, my friends, have asked me, “How did God or what circumstances did He use to free me from being a bi-sexual/lesbian?”

When I first came on the Internet, I didn’t really tell anyone right away about my problem of being a lesbian. All my life I had wanted to change this part of me. I couldn’t stand being a lesbian, with all those perverted thoughts and images and (yes doing the act with a woman) going on in my head. I knew there had to be a way to be free from it, but didn’t know how to be set free. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone for fear of being rejected, unloved, and even neglected especially by GOD.

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