There was no Hope for Me

No-one wanted to deal with me. I was a lost cause to all, that is except for God.

I have been told by many to remain silent. That God would not use a person such as what I was. That miracles do not happen now-a-days, and on and on. It’s not understood, so I guess it isn’t to be mentioned. That sentiment has came from numerous local believers & church leaders as well as from the majority, seemingly, from the twelve step community here.

But I am not to remain silent. I must serve God rather than man regardless of what others think or believe. I feel inadequate enough, and there is no time for hate and debate. Bill W. had one.

God can and will use anybody. He loves us all so very much! And yes he even uses poor people. So before my dinosaur of a 386 computer breaks down again here is my story quick, cause I can not afford another one. So I must act while I can.

I came up through the ranks, atheist, agnostic to forced believer. There was a time when the mere mentioning of the word God would throw me into a hateful fit of rage. Lashing out and hating something I didn’t believe in? Well several years ago I went into jail one week end. Calm enough and not handcuffed yet full of rage, a time bomb, even seriously contemplating the murder of some who I thought was to blame for my pain. A lot would have happened that week end if the good Lord hadn’t seen fit that I be locked up in a solitary holding cell.

I was one of those functional addicts. One who took pride in violence, drinking others under the table, and shooting up anything into my veins that would break down or could be drank. I was one of those that there was no hope for, and no-one wanted to deal with. I was a lost cause to all, that is except for God.

Being a suicidal wreck I was sitting in the cell trying to cut my wrists with a piece of dull plastic. Saturday morn at 9:00am. Suffering withdrawal, cursing this God of those foolish Christians and program people, and the pain he put on me. We all know the pain and despair don’t we?

I was on my back in the bunk unaware of what was happening to me at first. There was a sound of rushing water filling me and the small cold, dark cell. It was like laying on the beach letting the waves hit and roll you, but this was an ocean of love. Yet with a tremendous weight, I struggled but couldn’t move. My breathing even stopped. Then came that so gentle, firm voice filling me with “Tell, I love you”. My emotions ran wild, thinking the whole world must be hearing this, or that I had finally went totally wack-o. I was given a panoramic view of my past pathetic life, all the harm I had done, the pain I had caused, even the horrible thoughts I’ve had. Yes, even my most thought to be personal thoughts and memories. Many that had been long forgotten. Everything took on a different light and feeling. I was no longer in a cell but in a beautiful meadow. Guilt and shame quickly vanishing, replaced by a tremendous love and forgiveness.

Iron man had just been reduced to a babbling mess of tears begging for more of that forgiveness. Well to keep it short, I had my own Damascus Road experience that morning. { Even though it doesn’t happen to folks like me, or in these times.} And I am absolutely nothing special!!! nor am I now a crazed, hateful, holier than thou type know it all. Though I do find myself critical of contemporary Christianity.

Allow me to continue.

I was ignorant of and about religion, and the reasoning’s and whys of all those different denominations and doctrinal beliefs and such. Again I had to learn the hard way. I wasn’t aware that upon leaving that cell and venturing out into the world that I would now find a different kind of hate, ridicule and indifference. What a pity!

Not only had I been totally transformed and totally *SET FREE* from the signs of withdrawal, with some spiritual heart and mind surgery, I am to deliver a message. Even tho it is with great reluctance now, due to what I have had to suffer these past years, especially from other believers and some leaders. I can understand the negativity from atheists and the like cause I was there once, but not from the flip side.

So without malice judge for your self. The total message can be found in scripture, I would discover later.

Forgive the non-quotes. I am to tell people that Christ is coming soon. We are to repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Especially Christians, their leaders, and governmental leaders. We are not to harden our hearts but to love one another. There shall be no divisions, love one another. We are to seek peace. And that their shall be nothing kept secret. He said for the people of Ireland to seek peace, stop fighting (I don’t know anyone from Ireland). He said to tell folks that none are righteous no not one, all fall short of the glory of God–but to love one another. He said there are many mansions in our Fathers house. He said to make straight the path of Lord. He said his tongue could also be wicked. He loves us all so very much there are no words for it. (Or for my conversion as far as that goes!) And that we are not to follow the tradition of man. Shout it from the roof tops. Tell them all! Love each other.

There is quite a bit more but that is enough. Point being, Here is one that had no hope, yet was given hope and grace and badly needed love. And it’s there for all, even at times when ya don’t want it, or in painful times when ya can’t acknowledge it, he is there. Through the agony of abuse, addictions, or indifference we are not alone. I know now there is always hope, even when humans give up, ignore and destroy.

Everybody has a story and this is mine in part. Given in the knowing it’s well with in the full sight of God. And it’s not that I am an accuser of the brethren or any of that foolishness. So hate me, hate the message, but ya should be thanking God as I do. He said that we “have all gone astray” and what I have seen it’s true. I am a 44 yr old male that for most of his life has listened to others, and chased the material American dream that ended in foolishness and a torn down body, that made others wealthy. I was searching for something, it wasn’t in eating enough speed to keep up in this fast paced world to work multiple jobs and to entertain a crazy social life. My peace didn’t come from the words of man, or what we are taught in the academic arena. So many distractions today, so much confusion with or with out intent. Instead of being turned off to God by mere humans early on, I should have been smart enough to know I was searching for something besides that elusive feeling of that first good/false buzz, upon reflection now. Thank God it has made me who I am today! God is not dead, and miracles do happen!

I know I am not alone in this happening, just in my home town. I’ve read too many accounts of others being set free and the like. I would really like to hear from others that have had a profound *spiritual experience*. Please none of those kind saying we know the total mind of God and know all the mysteries and truths of God. And that your way is solely Gods way with personal prerequisites. And I am not into that prosperity gospel stuff, where the right and righteous, only, get blessed. I do not follow any set denomination or sect. Remember, the Lord can and will. And in him is all our hope.

It’s done again Lord, and again it’s up to you and the receiver.
Thank ya Jesus (Ye’shua)


The answers out there! in there!
Let go, let God
Please do not be insensitive to the
needs of others.