In CIR I Felt Compassion – Even When I was Really Messed Up

I have been sponsored on CIR a few key moments in my life. Sponsored financially (by CIR’s scholarship program) that is. In those times of utter despair, then a few years later with a slight man and meth problem, then the true spiritual convictions on my pornography issues, & then there’s the really destructive behaviors.

I would get desperate because I was looking for someone to stop me, save me, change me in my church, my pier group, my family, my leadership. But no one did, they just didn’t get it, I looked amazing at 120 lbs, and funny thing is that I was just as naive with my own addict friends before I became a user myself. I believed that lifestyle was behind me, but once I tasted it again, I realized how much I liked it. I did eventually drag myself back to my Fathers lap broken and shamefaced. He has redeemed my life, thanks to goodness our God is a stubborn God!

Yet the times I came here were the times of utter desperation, defeat, painful despair, and here I felt there was compassion for all people, even the really messed up ones like myself. The ones no one else can make sense of, I didn’t want to bleed you guys dry so I flitted in and out and never really committed.
Yet I was able to hold my head up and know that no matter what, that I had a lover that was Love, and that He knew my self-loathing and that one day when I truly was able to release myself to Him, I’d be free. So you guys were another essential cog in His gears.

Still, I never actually joined a recovery group until a few years ago. I was familiar with the 12 step groups as an outsider & visitor. In my support of my brother I attended his meetings, visited him in rehab, and became enamored with the life lessons and clarity that could be found in some of the “sharing”. Then the ball dropped on my father, and the 20-some yrs. of lies and sex addiction came out so our family “Spiritual Recovery” started. *side note* My father is amazing man, yet his recovery isn’t the recovery that I read about in the big book or have seen in the meetings I once attended…he has wisdom but not peace. I want the whole package.

Then came my turn.

When it was my turn to admit that life was unmanageable I was ready for my adventure to begin! I amazingly enough found the greatest sponsor, and began my journey. I, went around 8 months and 5 steps in before it crumbled, and the warning signs had been there if I had known what to look for, both in my actions and in my sponsors. I have not been able to secure a sponsor since. This was almost 3 years ago.

My catalyst for attending meetings as a member was the dissolution of the relationship I had with an addict – this individual happens to prey on the women in the groups, so is widely travel led in all recovery circles in my 40 mile radius, and at some points further even.

I feel that I am not on the cusp of bad things really, because my behaviors are not letting my life seem unmanageable, but I do know that I am isolating, drinking a bit heavily, have gained 40 lbs in the past few months, have become laconic and this is not the me that I want and need to be… I do need help and that is the hardest thing to voice.

I know the twelve steps work! I’ve had a lot of decisions to make lately, and in order to do the next right thing I know that I need to finish the steps and am desperate to do so. I have had temporary sponsorship, and have grown thru learning from those who reached out to me, and I feel blessed by it.

This time I am all in. There is nothing holding me back or standing in my way, I think that even if sponsorship isn’t in the cards, that my coming to this place is the right thing. Everything is up to me – who knows how long my life will be this simple and I’ll have the amount of time that I do now? So I say here I am, I am willing to listen and to learn, and to be guided. I thank you guys for still being here, I recognize a few names that gave my heart a squeeze and a thrill to see. You guys are blessed with much wisdom and love, and I pray the Fathers strength and peace that passes understanding all over ya!