Losing Trust in Spouse, Regaining that Trust

Ask Angie: My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to trust issues, today something came up that hit a button that really showed me how I don’t trust him. He did something I felt went behind my back. When I found out about it, I was very upset. I felt he was being dishonest with me and I then realized why I don’t trust him. See he is done these things most of our married life. When I comforted him I let him know that his behavior is what I don’t trust. That this kind of behavior cannot go on. That is this kind of behavior that is the reason I don’t trust him and that it is his job to restore my trust in him. I told him I am not responsible to just trust him when he has shown me in his actions they are not trust worthy, I also told him if I can’t begin to trust him then what do we have in our marriage. I don’t want to stay married without trust. I am saved and try very hard to be a good wife and one that would honor God. What else can I do to help my husband and to help me put healthy boundaries in my marriage. Any help would be appreciated

Marriage Guidance: It is never too late to get your marriage on the road to Christ. Trust between couples is an important aspect of marriage. In fact, it is so important that without it the marriage will most likely have problems. Marriage is about the NEED to trust the person you married and know that they also trust you.

Do What You Say and Say What You Mean And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your Yes be Yes and your No be No, anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37

It is a very simple concept but one that needs to be addressed. When a person behaves as “who they say they are” and when they “do what they say they are going to do” then there shouldn’t be any issues of mistrust between people. But if we behave in ways that go against “who we say we are” then we come off as people who cannot be trusted.

As married people one of the greatest joys of marriage is the ability to feel safe and confident with the one we married. It can truly shatter our expectations if our confidence and faith in each other is somehow broken. Being a trustworthy person is an excellent character trait to have and is proved through the way a person lives their life. If we say one thing but do another what kind of confidence will our spouse have in us?

In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:7-8 NIV)

When trust is broken for one reason or another in a marriage then it takes willingness and work to rebuild trust and restore the marriage. But the truth is, we cannot change people, not even our own spouse — we cannot make them be anything different for us than what they already are. They have to get right with God and want to change themselves. And if mistrustful behavior keeps happening it may eventually break down the integrity of the marriage.

This is one big reason why we have started our preparation to marriage ministry and why we teach the biblical preparations to marriage to Christian single people. We want people to stop and smell the roses for a little while before rushing into something that may not be right for them. Know who you are marrying! Get to know them based on their character.

Today because of the ways of society people have been conditioned into to only looking at the way a person looks and acts, which most of the time are false pretenses because they know they are being watched and they want you to like them. We often overlook a person’s inner self because we’re too busy looking and listening to the outside of the person. Then what happens is our emotions take over the relationship and we never truly see the other person for who they really are.

The best way to get to know someone is in seeing their relationship with God and the people they love, such as parents. If a young person disrespects their parents you can almost surely know that they will disrespect their spouse too. If a person does not have a healthy, growing relationship with God then how can they love you in the right ways? Looking at both of these relationships with a potential spouse are good indicators of how a person will behave in their marriage.

I have to ask, “why would someone continue behaving in a way that would come off as mistrustful to their spouse?” Let’s think about this for a moment, if we know our behavior hurts or offends our spouse then why do it? Some issues of mistrust such as addictive behaviors are not going to be easily broken until that person sets their mind on the things of God and seeks Christ for their life.

A spouse can go on and on about the behaviors of another, but that is not going to change anything — only God can make changes in us through our own willingness to let Him make the changes. Do you get it?

You both need to sit down together and talk this out in Spirit and in Truth. Don’t do anything with out putting God and His Word before you. You both need to pray about this issue and ask that God guide you both through this in the right way. Ask Christ for humbleness of spirit and gentleness of heart, otherwise pride and arguments will get in the way of resolving this issue in a Godly manner.

As Christians we’re all accountable to Jesus Christ. “For we will all stand before Gods judgment seat. It is written as surely as I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow before me; every tongue shall confess to God. So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:10-12) If a Christian spouse has done something to break trust in the marriage it is only natural that they repent and seek forgiveness from Christ. But if your spouse is not a believer then I believe that this expectation is high. If they are doubters of God’s Word they will probably not change themselves either. If the latter is the case then put it in God’s hands yourself through prayer and be the light of Christ

Unfortunately, because you have not given any detail as to the behavior that is causing the mistrust we are unable to give you exact steps to take that would at least ease your suffering a bit. If the mistrust is something outright sinful such as porn addiction, drunkenness,adultery, womanizing, etc and if it is harming or weakening your faith with God, and if your husband is not willing to work on inner healing, then you may need to put into force some boundaries just as a spouse of an alcoholic would have to do.

Every home has different circumstances and so you need to figure out what those are and then make the appropriate boundaries according to what the mistrustful behavior is. If you want to be able to trust your spouse again, they will need to be willing to work on getting the inner healing they need through Jesus Christ, and you will need to forgive them for their trespasses against the marriage. There is no other way to restore trust back into the marriage.

One thing is for certain and that is God’s Truths. We have to allow God to guide us in the direction that he wants to take us. We’re the rowers, God is the helmsman. As Christians we must put our TRUST in God and apply the knowledge and wisdom that God blesses us with into our daily living. This is how we remain strong and faithful in God and become stronger more faithful people for others.

Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to my Father who sent me. John 14:23-24