When We Wrestle with Ourselves

It’s really hard to keep remembering that my fight isn’t against those around me who oppose me, but rather is about whether or not I can stand in the will of God. Sometimes, I think, that the devil, he is me, that when I look into the mirror, my worst enemy is my own desires. I simply have a hard time waiting and waiting is what I need to do to allow God to work in the lives of those around me to do His will for me.

Ephesians 6:11-12 NKJV
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

When Abraham was commanded to sacrifice his son, God didn’t provide until the last possible second, not until Abraham had tied up his son, laid him on the altar, and raised his knife to kill him. I’ve often wondered what was going through his mind at the time. Was Abraham deliberately slow in his movements, wondering where God’s provision was? Was he doubting what he had heard the day before, whether or not he had truly heard God? It takes an amazing amount of courage to do what he did, to look into the eyes of your child and know that you have to plunge a knife into his heart . . . and still trust God.

I am, right now, really wrestling with myself. A decision that, in my mind, needed to be made six weeks ago is still pending, leaving at least three teachers and two principles totally up in the air as to what will happen next year, including whether or not major programs will continue or be discontinued. It’s so difficult not knowing what will happen, particularly as the last day of class looms closer and closer. There’s becoming no time to prepare, no time to pack, simply a knowledge that we’re running out of time. All three teachers are Christians, but it is stretching our faith, this waiting.

And perhaps that’s the reason. Perhaps God needed the time to adjust our hearts and wills, to prepare us for what is going to happen next year. Or perhaps God is working in the hearts of the administrators who continue to delay the decision. I don’t know, but I do know that I feel like I’m wrestling because I’m learning to surrender to God’s will and His alone, not to promote my own. Whatever happens, God will work for my good and I’m at the point that I will embrace whatever decision is made.

Maybe that was what God was waiting for.