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Healing from Your Past
In the work of recovery, we address the danger of triggers. Its very word itself suggests the power to cause us harm:
"Something that precipitates a particular event or situation; To set off; initiate; To fire or explode."
On one August morning of 2003, I encounter such a trigger. The phone rang. My dad was dead.
My grief, for the next year and a half, was an alarming, unexpected reality. And each subsequent "anniversary" proves equally tricky also. Both defy what I thought I would - or should - be experiencing.
After all, coming from an abusive childhood, I didn't think the loss of this pain-inflicting parent would register as significantly as it did.
...that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.Romans 10:9
Some days I am just tired. Some days I have a difficult time with letting go and giving my worries to God. Some days I have the full confidence I can let God be God and other days I want to wrestle control back into my grip. Do you ever feel this way?
The Past is Gone
Once I learned to trust God with my life and my wills, my trust for others began to increase. I no longer allowed my past to define me. I stopped allowing the people of my past to define the trustworthiness of those closest to me.
I understand now, trusting God to love me despite my past also means I trust Him with my future. It means to believe He is starting something new within me as I rise each morning. This is a process that began with surrender, but that is not the end of the journey for me. I must also turn away from the mistakes of my past and turn toward God’s will.
Trusting others has been difficult for me. People have hurt me over the years and trust did not come naturally for me as a result. My husband, Patrick, never gave me a reason not to trust him, but still I questioned him in my mind. After he stopped drinking over a year ago, I wasn’t sure I could trust he would continue to abstain.
This lack of trust carried over into my relationship with Jesus. Could I trust Him? Could I take His Word for truth? Could I believe He loved me despite the past I carried with me? I worked against God’s way for so many years, how could He possibly love me?
Commit your works to the Lord
And your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3
Making My Plans
My recovery journey began over a year ago in the dark early morning hours. My alcoholic dad had passed away the month before and I couldn't see past the grief and regret left behind. For weeks, God tugged at my heart, but initially I ignored him. I began to slowly see how Patrick's alcoholism was effecting me. Deep down I knew, but I chose to stuff my feelings.
member #2 sure
thank You for Divora and her willingness to share her journey with us
we are not made to struggle alone
and CIR helps with that so much
bless this time together
may we leave here with more than we came with
in Your name
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he... Proverbs 23:7
We can really do a number on ourselves with our faulty thinking.
How many of us have said the following things to ourselves, about ourselves?
...never good enough..."
And then, if we're plagued with disordered eating and body image issues, it gets amplified even further.
note: Members may discuss this workshop in the Message Boards HERE
Welcome to our Special Workshop tonight
"Surviving the Holidays with a Dysfunctional Family" Workshop
For many, the Christmas season is not a time of warm cozy feelings and precious memories. For some, it is a time of reliving the nightmares of childhood abuse and not wanting to return home for Christmas. It is a reminder of broken relationships and children in the custody of “the other parent.” It is a season of struggles to stay clean and sober and out of trouble when attending Christmas gatherings. How can we not only survive, but also thrive during the Christmas season?
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Artist, Gerald Moira, creator of the 1898 piece, "The Silent Voice," is a haunting image. In it, we see a young woman with an ethereal creature whispering in her ear.
To me, it calls to mind recovery from addiction as it relates to silence and the voice. Personally speaking, my restrictive abusive childhood discouraged any use of my voice which was considered displeasing. "Children are to be seen and not heard." That's how the saying goes.
And that sentiment had its oppressive hand in my eating disorder development and thought processes. Things "innocently" started out as a desire to lose weight and be thin. But it wasn't long before the disorders, in all of their different forms, became about control and exerting my declaration of independence. In short, disordered eating/image became my voice screaming against the silenced abuse, inequity and toxic environment I endured.
But, just because I've been removed from that confining time and space, does not mean my need to deal with those triggering voices is over. Quite the contrary, in fact. For whispers still come from unexpected corners.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21
And these whispers are certainly not affirming. In the context of disorder and self-destructive tendencies, the whispers go more like this instead…
Remember when things used to be so great...
Remember how in control you were...
Remember how much better you looked being thinner...
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;
and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Autumn floods me with childhood memories of locusts inhabiting our farm and caterpillars on twigs, kept on mason jars, just waiting to become monarch butterflies.
And, with that flooding, often comes the tinged bittersweet feelings that accompany a childhood innocence of long ago.
I recently caught a funny post on the internet. It read: "Memories: Ouch!"
They say humor is humor because it is unflinching truth. And that certainly was the case with this post.