loving-kindness Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock. Will Rogers

Can you really “kill them with kindness”?

I’ve never considered the notion of literally harming someone with kindness. But recently I’ve encountered some folks who’ve caused me to wonder. As I analyzed their frustrating behavior, I concluded that they’d developed the ability to deploy “being nice” as an interpersonal weapon.

Have you ever encountered someone who’s so nice that it’s nearly impossible to disagree with them without feeling guilty? They say and do outrageous things, but no one can confront them because they’re just so darned nice.

These folks use nice to control and manipulate. Sometimes it does seem as if they’re literally trying to suffocate others in niceness.


Kind and nice are sort of innocuous words. Everybody knows that kind and nice are good things, right? Be kind to animals, play nice in the sandbox. We seem to use them somewhat interchangeably.

I felt silly consulting a dictionary about such common words, but what I found surprised me a little.

kind: of a sympathetic or helpful nature; of a forbearing nature; gentle

nice: pleasing, agreeable; socially acceptable

Apparently kind and nice aren’t exactly synonyms. Kindness is more concerned with others. It’s associated with gentleness, forbearance, sympathy, helpfulness. In contrast, niceness is about getting along, being social and agreeable.


I examined the well-known passage listing the fruits of the Spirit:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. [Galatians 5:22-23]

No surprises there, so I looked at some other translations. In place of kindness the KJV uses gentleness. In The Message it’s stated as a sense of compassion in the heart.

There it is again—kindness connotes compassion and gentleness.

What does scripture say about nice? In a keyword search in my online bible (NIV) kindness appears dozens of times—not a single instance of nice.


I’m thinking that kindness is an expression of agape, the self-sacrificing love Jesus demonstrated. If I’m right, then “killing with kindness” isn’t really accurate.

The goal of authentic kindness isn’t guilt or manipulation. Kindness seeks the interests of others, which includes gentle, loving confrontation when it’s appropriate.

Kindness involves an attitude of service centered on the other person’s needs. Niceness potentially disguises selfishness behind concern for social convention or propriety. It’s doing the right thing, but possibly for the wrong reason.

I’ve always liked thinking of myself as a nice guy, and there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that. It’s generally good to be pleasing and agreeable.

But I hope I always integrate nice with kindness. I hope I’m a steward who beings an attitude of agape to my interactions.

I want to value transparency, open communication, and a desire to understand. I want to be aware of the times when I’m tempted to meet my own needs at the expense of others through pleasant, skillful coercion.

I hope I can avoid relationships smothered by “the tyranny of nice.”

Do you encounter occasions when someone (or maybe you) attempts to camouflage control behind a veneer of nice?

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.  Dalai Lama

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Copyright 2010 by Rich Dixon, All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.

Rich is an author and speaker. He is the author of:

Relentless Grace: God’s Invitation To Give Hope Another Chance. Visit his web site

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