Newsgroups: alt.recovery.codependency
From: deedee@infinet.com (Dee Dee)
Subject: FAQ -- alt.recovery.codependency
Date: 2 Jan 1995 05:58:58 GMT
======================================================
Answers To Frequently Asked Questions
And General Information About
The Usenet Newsgroup alt.recovery.codependency
======================================================
Welcome to alt.recovery.codependency! This document contains answers to
some of the frequently asked questions seen in the group as well as
other information about a.r.c. It will be posted on the 1st and 15th of
each month. This FAQ is not yet in archive.
Submissions, corrections, comments, etc., are *more* than welcome, and
should be directed to Dee Dee or posted to the
group with "FAQ" somewhere in the subject line.
In addition, Reading and Video Lists, and a Collection of Our Recovery
Favorites will be posted on the 12th of each month. Feel free to
request copies of these at any other time during the month. You can
either post a message to the group with "Reading List Request", "Video
List Request", or "Collection Request" in the subject, or contact
for a copy of the reading list, or
for a copy of the video list or collection.
All attempts will be made to post these documents on schedule, and
eventually the process will be automated.
**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
------------------
0.0 General Information
0.10 The History Of a.r.c
0.20 The Reason For a.r.c's Existence
0.30 Purpose Of This FAQ
1.0 Definitions For Commonly Used Terms
1.10 What Is Codependency?
1.20 What Is Recovery?
2.0 The Different Paths To Recovery
2.10 What Might Private Therapy Do For Me?
2.20 What Are Twelve Step Groups And How Do I Find Them?
2.30 What Is Inner Child Work?
2.40 Do I Have To Be In Therapy Or Attend Support Groups
In Order To Post Here?
3.0 Guidelines For Posting
3.10 What Subjects Are Acceptable On a.r.c?
3.20 How Should I Introduce Myself To The Group?
3.30 General Rules Of Usenet Etiquette And Their Relevance
Here On a.r.c
3.40 Anonymity
3.50 Posting Via Anonymous Servers
3.60 I Can't Stop Reading/Posting...Am I Addicted To a.r.c?
3.70 But I'm Afraid To Post!
4.0 Other Internet Services For Those In Recovery
4.10 Are There Any Other UseNet Recovery Groups?
4.20 Are There Any Recovery Mailing Lists?
**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************
0.0 General Information
========================
0.10 The History Of a.r.c
--------------------------
Details are sketchy, but it seems the group was created sometime in early
1994. If anyone has details, or the original charter, please send them
to .
0.20 The Reason For a.r.c's Existence
--------------------------------------
To create a supportive, loving and safe environment for those of us who
consider ourselves to be codependent and who wish to interact with
others in similar situations. By sharing our experience, strength and
hope with others we are able to aid in our own recovery and to help
others make progress on their journey into recovery.
0.30 Purpose Of This FAQ
-------------------------
This FAQ was written to give a general feeling for what a.r.c is all
about. It was written by one person (with a few exceptions), with an
attempt to encompass others' perspectives as perceived by the writer,
but do bear in mind that any of the subjects in this FAQ is subject to
interpretation, and those of us on a.r.c have *many* interpretations,
each depending upon our experiences.
Please do not hesitate to re-ask the questions listed here in the FAQ, or
to ask additional questions not included. The subjects of recovery and
codependency fill many, many books, and it would be impossible to try to
cover all the topics they encompass. You can feel free to ask for more
information on the group and you might also refer to the books listed in
the Reading List (posted separately) for further clarification.
1.0 Definitions For Commonly Used Terms
========================================
1.10 What Is Codependency?
---------------------------
There are probably as many definitions of codependency as there are
people who consider themselves to be codependent. Basically, if you
identify with the posts here, and with the info in the books found on the
Reading List, you might consider yourself to be codependent.
In _Codependent_No_More_, Melody Beattie gives several definitions. She
includes Earnie Larsen's definition:
"Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that
result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in
loving relationships."
Melody Beattie's own definition is:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior
affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that
person's behavior."
She also gives Robert Subby's definition from his book _Co-Dependency,_
_An_Emerging_Issue_:
"An emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops
as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice
of, a set of oppressive rules -- rules which prevent the open
expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal
and interpersonal problems."
Many of us define codependency by our behaviors which may include:
-- always being attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts, or other
similarly needy and emotionally unavailable people
-- feeling as if we must be in a relationship with someone --
*anyone* -- for our lives to be worthwhile
-- trying to control others behaviors, especially loved ones
-- feeling as if we are incapable of ending a relationship that
we know is not good for us or that we are unhappy in
-- trying to please everyone else and never taking time for ourselves,
or even forgetting that we *need* to take care of ourselves
Many people experience these situations at one time or another, but for
those of us who find it to be a recurring, painful theme in our lives,
recovery can be a very healing and rewarding way of letting go of the
old behaviors.
Definitions from other alt.recovery.codependency participants:
>From Steve --
Codependency is about damaged self-esteem, damaged functional
boundaries, and focusing our lives on other people while denying
our own needs and wants.
>From Karen --
Codependency is trying to contain/control/manage/manipulate/influence
people or situations so that they do what *I* need them to do. When
things clearly go the opposite from the way I need them to go, I work
even harder to change them - sometimes by manipulating, sometimes by
demanding, sometimes by ignoring or denying, sometimes by wishing and
hoping.
1.20 What Is Recovery?
-----------------------
Recovery, with regard to codependency, loosely describes the methods we
utilize in order to process and let go of the pain in our past and
present so that we may fully live our lives today. This can include
attending twelve step meetings, seeking private or other group therapy,
reading self-help books, inner reflection and meditation, and seeking out
others who can identify with our experiences, like those of us on a.r.c.
Seeking out others who share our experiences can be very beneficial
because it helps us to know that we are not alone, that others can
identify with, and have experienced for themselves, much of the pain
that we are feeling or have felt, and that there is hope for each and
every one of us.
Recovery is a process, one that probably continues for the rest of our
lives. It took us many years to get here, so it won't be "undone"
overnight! It is possible, however, to gradually let go of our painful
behaviors and to enjoy our lives of today to a much greater extent than
we had previously thought possible.
Recovery can be looked at as a sort of two-steps-forward-one-step-back
type of process. We will not be immediatedly "cured" and so will most
likely experience reoccurences of the very behaviors we are trying to
stop. It's important at those points to recognize the progress made --
just the awareness that we are acting out a particular behavior may be
seen as progress, to love ourselves unconditionally, and to recognize
the choices in our lives so that next time we might choose something
different for ourselves.
2.0 The Different Paths To Recovery
====================================
2.10 What Might Private Therapy Do For Me And How Would I Go About
Finding A Good Therapist?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
...not yet available...
2.20 What Are Twelve Step Groups And How Do I Find Them?
---------------------------------------------------------
A twelve step program/organization/fellowship is one that bases its
principles of recovery on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The three most common twelve step programs that are pertinent to
those of us dealing with codependency are Codependents Anonymous
(CoDA), Al-Anon, and Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics. There are
many others which may or many not be found in your local area, and
descriptions of them, along with addresses and phone numbers can be
found in Melody Beattie's _Codependents'_Guide_To_The_Twelve_Steps_.
CoDA meetings can be found by looking in your local white pages under
CoDA or Codependents Anonymous or by contacting the head office at
602-277-7991. Likewise, Al-Anon can also be found in the white pages in
most cities under Al-Anon. If you can't find Al-Anon, call the AA or
Alcoholics Anonymous number and they will be able to refer you, or
contact the head office at 202-302-7240.
The best way to find out what twelve step meetings are about is to attend
a few... definitely more than one, since your first meeting may not
completely reflect all that twelve step has to offer. Different meetings
have a different feel to them, and you may feel more comfortable in some
than others. Any specific question about twelve step meetings can be
directed to the group.
2.30 What Is "Inner Child" Work?
---------------------------------
Discovery of the child within is defined by Melody Beattie in the
glossary of her book _Codependents'_Guide_To_The_Twelve_Steps_ as the
"popular recovery concept [that] refers to that fact that regardless of
our age, we each have a young child within us with all the feelings,
fears, complexities, simplicities, and needs we had when we were that
age. We may be forty years old, brave, successful, and competent, but
inside is a frightened four-year-old who needs a hug, some comforting
words, and a balloon. Many of us ignore this child within. That doesn't
work. This child will start acting out and defeating us until we
listen. Gradually, we learn how to recognize, listen to, and nurture
this part of ourselves." Questions about inner child work can be
directed to the group.
(Having not yet started on inner child work, I have little to share --
anyone with experience in this area is encouraged to send me info to be
included, or even replace the paragraph above, at .)
2.40 Do I Have To Be In Therapy Or Attend Support Groups
In Order To Post Here?
---------------------------------------------------------
All people interested in working on their recovery from codependence are
welcome and encouraged to participate, regardless of whether or not they
are in therapy, practice a twelve step program, learn from self-help
methods, or any other method that they feel comfortable with.
3.0 Guidelines For Posting
===========================
3.10 What Subjects Are Acceptable On a.r.c?
--------------------------------------------
Any subject relating to codependency is relevant here. That includes
a wide range of topics, most of which deal with our relationships with
other people, including spouses, children, family or origin, friends,
employers, co-workers, and most importantly, *ourselves*.
Some topics may not seem particularly relevant to some of us, but may seem
extremely relevant to others. If you are not interested in a particular
thread, feel free to ignore it.
You will also notice that many threads have the subject of, for example,
"Hi Tom re: letting go". Many contributors like to acknowledge first
names in the subject lines in order to make them more personal, and it is
definitely a nice feeling to see your name on the group with a loving and
supportive response to back it up.
This does result in additional threads, but traffic on a.r.c is not
excessive, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem. However, it is
requested that some reference to the topic is also included in the
subject line so that people may skip it if they are not interested.
And of course, contributing to an existing thread will also make that
easier, and all are encouraged to do so whenever possible.
3.20 How Should I Introduce Myself To The Group?
-------------------------------------------------
Any way you like! Some just jump in and post with an issue they are
currently dealing with. Some just start by giving support to those who
are already posting. Others post their story, how they got where they
are today, what road they are following into recovery from codependency,
or any other topic relevant to their recovery from codependency.
All are perfectly acceptable, and bound to get you lots of supportive
responses!
3.30 General Rules Of Usenet Etiquette And Their Relevance
Here On a.r.c
-----------------------------------------------------------
For info about Usenet and posting, please refer to the group
news.newusers.questions, which contains many helpful documents
describing Usenet, and the most effective ways to utilize it.
That said, there are a few issues concerning general Usenet etiquette
(netiquette) which are directly relevant to alt.recovery.codependency:
* It is acceptable to post short quotes, etc. from copyrighted work, but
reproducing an entire document is strictly and explicitly forbidden by US
and international copyright law. In general, your interpretation of a
favorite book, pamphlet or whatever may be even more valuable and
better received than if you posted the original.
* Posting private e-mail correspondence without the permission of the
author is considered rude by the Usenet community, and may be a
violation of copyright laws. For more information, there is an FAQ on
Copyrights that is posted to misc.legal and news.answers. Privacy means
a great deal to every one of us on a.r.c, so please try to be respectful
of others right to privacy.
* If you are unhappy with someone's post, whether or not you originated
the thread, please contact them via mail, rather than posting it to the
group or, the more desirable alternative for those of us in recovery,
just try to let it go. Basically, we adopt the twelve step idea of
take-what-you-like-and-leave-the-rest.
* If you are consistently unhappy with the content of someone's posts,
add them to your "kill" file or just don't read the messages. There is
an FAQ in the groups news.answers and news.newuser.questions called "rn
kill file FAQ" which explains how to set up a kill file, but keep in
mind that the procedure will vary, depending on your news reader.
* If someone responds to your post on the group or through mail, in a
way which makes you uncomfortable, let them know through mail that you
would appreciate it if they would refrain from responding to your posts.
In general, most here will happily comply to your request.
* Try to avoid sending notes that are void of substance, but sent only
to thank someone, congratulate someone, or to simply say "me too". Send
these via mail rather than posting. IMPORTANT: The exception for "me
too" posting on a.r.c is a post which says "me too" and continues with
the sharing of a similar experience. These are very valuable in the
recovery process and will most likely be of interest to many people.
For more information on general Usenet guidelines to follow, please
refer to "Rules for posting to Usenet" found on news.answers.
3.40 Anonymity
---------------
Many here are interested in protecting their anonymity, given the
intimacy of the subject matter. Posting using first name only, false
name, or anon id is perfectly acceptable. In general, please do whatever
you need to in order to make yourself comfortable posting.
Please keep in mind that your post has the potential of being seen by
thousands of people, both across the world and right next door. It is
hoped that all readers of this group will recognize the need for privacy
and safety for each and every person posting, but unfortunately this
cannot be guaranteed. This is, after all, a public forum.
If you like, you may contact someone who posts to a.r.c via direct
e-mail if you need support or want to offer support, but would rather not
post to the group. It might also be a good idea to begin your e-mail by
asking the recipient if communicating via e-mail is acceptable to them,
and accepting their response with understanding.
An alternative is posting via an anonymous server. Two widely accepted
anonymous servers are anon.penet.fi and anon.twwells.com, both of
which are described in section 3.50 Posting Via Anonymous Servers.
3.50 Posting Via Anonymous Servers
-----------------------------------
Posting anonymously to alt.recovery.codependency via the anon.penet.fi
anonymous server is as easy as sending your post in a mail message to:
alt.recovery.codependency@anon.penet.fi
You will be automatically allocated an id from anon.penet.fi the first
time you post. For more information, you can send a mail message to
help@anon.penet.fi and you will receive a message explaining the service
and its capabilities.
To post anonymously via the anon.twwells.com anonymous server, you can
send a message to:
help@anon.twwells.com
(with any subject and text) and you will receive an anonymous id and a
help message, explaining the service and how to post to newsgroups.
Please bear in mind that *all* posts and responses will have to be sent
through the anon servers in order to maintain your anonymity. You can
follow up to a thread using the anon servers by typing the subject in
*exactly* as it is on the original thread -- even one mis-spelled word
or extra space will result in a new thread being started. Also, you
will experience a considerable delay from the time you post until it is
actually seen on the group.
3.60 I Can't Stop Reading/Posting...Am I Addicted To a.r.c?
------------------------------------------------------------
Many of us in recovery recognize that we can become very involved with
various things that distract us in order to avoid other issues in our
lives. Just like anything else, a.r.c and the Internet can become an
escape for us.
If you are struggling with this, feel free to post about it. You will
most likely receive many supportive posts, and others will share their
experiences in dealing with addiction to the 'net.
3.70 But I'm Afraid To Post!
-----------------------------
This, too, is common. There are probably thousands more lurkers than
there actually are posters. Given the fact that most of us were taught
to suppress feelings, this isn't a surprise, especially for those of us
who are new to recovery. In addition, the issue of anonymity makes it
difficult -- refer to the section on Anonymity for ideas.
The posters on this group tend to be warm, loving, supportive people who
will quite easily make you feel very comfortable once you post. If you
are worried about being rejected, you need only observe how other new
posters are welcomed to realize that it is a safe group -- as safe as can
be expected on the 'net.
Again, feel free to post or contact someone via direct e-mail about your
fears. And don't feel that you have to post... each of us is more than
welcome to stand back and observe, though the benefits of posting can be
many. You choose your path to follow!
4.0 Other Internet Services For Those In Recovery
==================================================
4.10 Are There Any Other UseNet Recovery Groups?
-------------------------------------------------
The "Psychology & Support Groups Newsgroup Pointer", which lists many
Usenet support groups, is posted here on alt.recovery.codependency
bi-weekly by John M. Grohol .
4.20 Are There Any Recovery Mailing Lists?
-------------------------------------------
The following information was found in "Publicly Accessible Mailing
Lists", Parts 1-14, posted by arielle@taronga.com (Stephanie da Silva).
Do not contact Stephanie da Silva, as she has no connection to the lists
mentioned below, but simply lists them for everyone to refer to.
For the current listing of mailing lists, refer to the current version
of "Publicly Accessible Mailing Lists", which can be found on the Usenet
group news.answers.
12step Contact: muller@camp.rutgers.edu (Mike Muller)
Purpose: To discuss/share experiences about 12 step programs
such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Alanon,
ACA, etc. Questions will also be answered. Please include a
phone number in case of trouble establishing an e-mail path.
recovery Contact: recovery@wvnvm.wvnet.edu (Jeff Brooks)
Purpose: recovery is intended as a forum and support group for
survivors of childhood sexual abuse/incest and/or their SO's.
Postings are published in digest format and contributors may post
anonymously. The emphasis is on healing and recovery through the
use of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as adapted for our
purpose.
ACOA -- In addition, there is also a newly formed list for recovering
adult children of alcoholics, addicts, and dysfunctional parents.
Contact deedee@infinet.com for more information.
************************* END OF FAQ ***********************************
|
