Beyond the 12 Steps

Hi, my name is Trish, I am an addict. I have spent the last six years getting clean many times but not staying clean for very long. Every time I got a little taste of sanity the world would come crashing in and I would crumble under the weight of it all. I have been through the court system, rehabs, 12 step programs, counseling (behavioral and substance abuse), and many psychiatric visits for medications. Nothing seemed to stick very long. Most of the people trying to help me eventually threw their hands up in defeat and passed me off as a hopeless case. I got to a point I started to agree with them. Nothing seemed to work for me. I was living in constant commendation from the world and in my own mind. Every mistake seemed magnified. I would beat myself up in my head over and over until my only relief was escape. Through divine intervention I was given a book named, Freedom From Addiction by Dr. Neil T. Anderson and Mike & Julia Quarrels. It captivated my attention because it was such an honest account of the thoughts bombarding an addicts mind. Not only an addict but a person who believes in the gospel of Jesus Christ yet was continually going against God. The shame I felt about knowing what was right but not being able to live it was more shame than I could bear. But then this book was placed in my path. As I read it something started to stir deep within me. There was a message of hope written on those pages that spoke to my innermost heart. The message was not about what I have done as a sinner (that already plagued my mind enough) but a message of who God says I am as a believer in Jesus Christ. I started hearing a message telling me he doesn't see what the world sees when he looks at me. When I looked at myself and compared myself to the world's expectations of me I saw all of the bad things I've done and how I just didn't measure up. I owned my bad behavior as my identity but that's not the truth. I believe that Jesus Christ was fully God and fully man who led a sinless holy life (never gave in to the temptations of the world or flesh) and he voluntarily died on the cross (he is God- he could have stopped the crucifixion at any time) conquering sin (mine/yours) and was raised to life three days later by the Holy Spirit conquering death (spiritual death-mine/yours). When I accepted this truth in my heart and confessed out loud to God in the presence of another human being that I need Jesus and asked him to forgive me and take control of my life; I was filled with the Holy Spirit (Jn 14:16,17 ...and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth). My sins yesterday, today, and tomorrow have been washed clean. What does wash clean mean? It means they do not separate us from him anymore. Being cleansed and filled with the Holy Spirit means God sees himself in believers and that is how he identifies us. It's kind of like he looks down from heaven and says, "Hey there I am, in Susie. She is a beautiful and lovely vessel whom I will use to work my miracles among my people." Remember it's all from Him and for Him. You are blessed just to have life at all. I believed this long before I understood how to claim the victory of the cross for my daily life. It's okay if you don't get it all right now. No one get's it all at the moment they believe. It is the act of faith (believing in your heart and speaking it out loud to God and another person) that opens the door. As we continue to seek God's guidance daily our understanding will grow. It's a process and more will be revealed! Once I chose to believe I am who God says I am not who the world (people, places, and things) says I am; things started to change very quickly for me. I should say things on the inside started to change quickly. The inside needs to change before the outside changes. I began to choose to believe God daily and choose to believe I am valuable whether I felt like or not. I had to constantly combat the negative thoughts in my head. Thoughts like, "no one will ever believe you've changed, with your history there's no way you can be successful, and you're in this all alone." Every time one of those thoughts came on me (which was almost non stop at first) I had to say to myself, "I take that thought captive and send it to the cross." I was weeding out the garden of my mind. It was a lot at first but within a few weeks it slowed down and now my mind is pretty clear of negativity except for the occasional thought that I am usually aware of immediately. You see, once you pray out loud and tell God you know you are a sinner, you believe Jesus died on the cross for atonement of your sins (means the price has been paid), you invite the Holy Spirit to live in you, and then ask Jesus to take complete control of your life- Satan is basically HIT. He loses all authority over you, but, if we fail to live in that freedom he can keep us miserable until the day we die. He will feed us lies and keep us from spreading God's light of truth in the world. Don't ever forget God is not the only one who knows you better than you know yourself. So does Satan and he will use every fear, insecurity, and weakness to keep you from living in freedom. This is said to educate you not to scare you. God is greater (1 John 4:4) and he has given us not a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Watching my thoughts and weeding out the negative attacks was the first step of faithful action. I had to be honest about what was in the forefront of my mind and face it. Then I had to put in the effort to get rid of it by sending it to the cross (giving it to God) and replacing it with the truth. For example, "I am not worthless or useless. I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)". As I did this I began to have hope of restoration and renewal. The longer I spoke the truth to myself and out loud to others the more deeply the roots were growing. I started thinking, "Hey, I haven't always been like this. In the beginning I was innocent, naïve, free to love everyone, and quick to forgive. God knows the real me (Jn. 15:1, 5)" This hope of living out of my true identity catapulted me into a wonderful new place. I felt a new sense of purpose to my life. Then I began noticing things about people and the world around me. In some cases, the people who claimed to love me the most were in their own way sort of sabotaging me. In most instances they weren't even aware of it. At first I was highly offended then it occurred to me to pray for truth. I started praying for truth and just left everything alone for awhile (Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him ;) In the 12 step meetings I attend I often hear people say faith requires action, I agree, but sometimes active faith is inaction. Actually, much of the time, faith is doing nothing at all (manipulate, control, fix) while we wait for the Lord to work it out. I left everyone alone by just taking care of myself and only doing the have to's each day. Everything around me kept going without my interference. For the first time I was able to observe life around me and see that no one was going to keep me sober but me. "Now what" I thought, "If it's up to me I'm pretty much out of luck. I've never been able to do it before." That's when I remembered I am not living in the past anymore. I am choosing to believe and live in the truth. This verse starting coming to me over and over by different sources (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!). I prayed for God to show me what to do then waited in faith believing he would (Isaiah 40:31). It wasn't very long until I started to realize some things I needed to change with myself and the people around me. I saw I was placing myself in positions to be hurt over and over again. Every time I did this I ran the risk of using because I still had virtually no coping skills. I saw I was allowing people to manipulate me. Certain people knew they had something I thought I needed for survival and knew I would do anything for it. I had to stop playing the game and trust God would take care of my needs (Mt. 6:26). Then comes courage, not only did I have to stop my part of the games I had to protect myself from others who were still trying to engage me in the games. Yes there are two parts. It soon became very obvious that just because I was getting better it didn't mean everyone around me was. In reality most people I had surrounded myself with were not very healthy people. They had their own issues (sin problems) and were used to my issues interacting with theirs. By stopping my part it exposed theirs and they did not like it at all. Some people walked out of my life quietly, some I had to stop inviting into my life, and some I had to set up firm boundaries with for my own protection. My family for example, was an area where a lot of boundaries needed to be formed. Some of them were used to taking advantage of my need to be needed. When I stopped rushing in to rescue them they felt rejected. I prayed and did my best to say no with love and then ....here's the secret ingredient to peace.... I allowed them to own their own feelings and trusted God to correct them if need be. It wasn't my job! This all takes practice for a period of time but just keep practicing. The goal is not immediate perfection. The goal is continual progress in the midst of many mistakes. This takes us through Step 5 and to the spiritual principle of integrity behind it. It is my opinion a person can not consistently live with integrity until they are first set free from bondage to the world and self by accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior, begin to honestly look at what is going on with themselves, rest in the hope of renewal and restoration that only Jesus can give us, choose to believe in faith our identity comes from God not the world, and courageously start living in the truth (Phil. 4:13 I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.) Then quit adding to the list by living with integrity. To simplify it more: Choose to believe (internal action), Ask the Lord to take complete control of your life (external action) and Walk daily in Freedom by obeying God's written word and the guidance of the Holy Spirit within (internal and external come together for continual spiritual growth). Believe, Ask, And Obey! Following is an exercise reproduced with permission from Christian Coaching: Helping Others Turn Potential into Reality by Gary R. Collins. This will help you identify the people, places, and things in your life that need to be looked at and possibly dealt with in one of the manners above. If after doing this exercise you don't know what to do with the new awareness pray and ask God to guide you about what you need to do- if anything. Ask in prayer for direction about every person, place, or thing affecting you negatively. You will be amazed as Jesus comes into your personal life and begins weeding HIS garden, which is YOU! ~ * ~ Copyright 2009 Trecia Wright, All Rights Reserved, Used by Permission Trecia Wright is a Certified Christian Life Coach Life Recovery Missions, Program Director