When is it Right to Trust Other People?

One of the hardest issues for many people, especially in today’s society, is knowing when to trust other people. What I am about to write comes from the Bible, Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and Safe People by the same authors. It is what I have learned along my healing journey, and I can assure you that I am no where near the end of it. I believe healing is a lifelong journey.

The Bible clearly states that we are to trust nobody.

Compliants - Saying “Yes” to the bad. To feel safe in the world we need to have the power to say things like:
No
I disagree
I will not
I choose not to
Stop that
It hurts
It’s wrong
That’s bad
I don’t like it when you touch me there

Adults with handicaps like this have this first boundary injury - they says yes to bad things. This type of boundary problem paralyzes people’s no muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons:
** fear of humiliation
** fear of abandonment and separateness
** a wish to be totally dependent on another
** fear of someone else’s anger
** fear of punishment
** fear of being shamed
** fear of being seen as bad or selfish
** fear of being unspiritual
** fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience
When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others - a saying yes to the bad - because it would cause more guilt.

Saying No to the Good
Avoiding the opportunity for others to love you as they’d been loved by you. It’s called avoidance; saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others. Boundaries are to be like gates - to let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.

Controllers: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries
Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people: no means maybe, and maybe means yes. Controllers are perceived as bullies. The primary problems of individuals who can’t hear no - which is different from not being able to say no - is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone.

Aggressive controllers - these people clearly don’t listen to others’ boundaries. They run over other people’s fences like a tank. They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive. But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries.

Manipulative controllers - Less honest that the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carry9ing their burdens. They use guilt messages.

Nonresponsives: Not hearing the Needs Of Others - a lack of attention to the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27. We are responsible to care about and help, WITHIN CERTAIN LIMITS, others whom God places in our lives.

SUMMARY OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

CAN’T SAY CAN’T HEAR
NO - The Compliant. Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can’t set boundaries The Controller. Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others.
YES - The Nonresponsive. Sets boundaries against responsibility to love. The Avoidant. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others.

3.The law of Power. You have the power to:
** agree with the truth about your problems
** submit your inability to God
** search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries
** turn from the evil that you find within you - repentance
** humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs
** seek out those that you have injured and make amends

6.The law of Evaluation. To evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person but not avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger.

7.The law of Proactivity. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

8.The law of Envy. Envy defines “good as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has.

9.The law of Activity - Remember the parable of the talents and how the ones who had initiative went forth and further in life.

10.The law of Exposure - you do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relation to others.

1.If I set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our won wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibilities to love others. Our needs are our responsibilities.

2.Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience. In religious circles you will often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” In actuality, lack of boundaries is a sign of disobedience.

3.If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt By Others. Being terrified of the consequences of setting boundaries.

4.If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others. You fear you will injure someone else. Boundaries are a Defensive Tool not an Offensive Weapon.

5.Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Emotions or feelings have a function. They tell us that we’ve lost something - a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Boundaries decrease anger.

6.When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me. When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them.

7.Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt. What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who’s been loving toward us? What’s appropriate and biblical, and what isn’t? Whatever we received causes us to feel obligated. Gift implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude.

8.Boundaries Are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges. It’s important to know that your “no” is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. Changing and renegotiating boundaries has many biblical precedents: God chose not to destroy Nineveh when the city repented.

So now we have not only the Biblical standard of trusting people, but we have guidelines to use and refer to when it comes to meeting new people and evaluating the people who are already in our lives. We also need to use these guidelines to develop our own safeness as people in the world - as people that other persons are able to trust and confide in.

-Moses when he trusted Joshua and Caleb Numbers 13:30;14:6-9
-The Hebrew spies when Rahab hid them from her people Joshua 2:9,11; Hebrews 11:31
-The Ninevites when they obeyed Johah Jonah 3:5
-Potiphar when Joseph was a prisoner, put Joseph in charge of his entire household Genesis 39:7-9

So we know we must trust the Lord - Proverbs 3:1-3
1My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart, 2for they will give you a long and satisfying life. 3Never let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write them deep within your heart.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 6Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

But the Bible also states that other people will put their trust in us and we must not fail them or we become the unsafe people we don’t want to be part of.
Proverbs 3:28-29 - 28If you can help your neighbor now, don't say, "Come back tomorrow, and then I'll help you." 29Do not plot against your neighbors, for they trust you.
Proverbs 19:1 - 1 Better to be poor and honest than a rich person no one can trust.

If you use the guidelines from Henry Cloud and John Townsend and put them together with what the Scriptures have to say, you will get a picture of who to trust, how to trust, that you are one of those persons who is being evaluated regarding trust and that in reality, we have to trust people in our lives in order to properly and healthily survive.

What the Scriptures mean when they say to trust no person is to not trust a person with all that God can supply you with. He will meet your needs and in many cases surpass them. Trust that God has His best in store for you and you are well on your way to a happier and more peaceful life.. But also know when to go to others for advice or counsel and when to trust them.

Trust is something that is earned and not freely given. If you can trust somebody with something small like how your dentist appointment went, then try trusting them with something bigger like a problem you are having. If word gets around, you know you can’t trust them. But if they keep their word and their mouth shut, then you can trust them with bigger and bigger things. It is like taking steps. If you can see that they take one step and do not falter, then you can trust them with the next step and so on.

Take your time when learning to trust somebody. Don’t just freely give them every ounce of trust you have. Believe me, it won’t work. Make people work at earning your trust because they are sure to make you work at earning theirs.

When is it Right to Trust Other People?

©2006 by Sheri Lee Adams - All Rights Reserved