I Always had Those "Feelings" When Growing Up

I grew up in a very small town of about 600 people. My parents are saved and we always had all kinds of missionaries, special speakers from around come and stay with us. Our home was never quiet :) From a very age I heard the Word of GOD preached and we always went to church every time the doors would open. At age 4 I thought that is how I would get into heaven by going to church, being a "good girl" and by doing works. I never really believed or accepted Christ as Savior until much later. Everybody in my hometown knew everybody's else's business.

Back in the 50 and 60's they never talked about "gay" and that it was wrong. In fact they never talked about sex and that we shouldn't let people touch us. I remember I always had those "feelings" when I was growing up of being a lesbian. In my mind I said "it was OK to do that" and that I wouldn't get hurt or be hurt emotionally, mentally or even spiritually. I wish at that time that someone told me it was WRONG to do.

What happen was that I was being sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically abused by my grandpa and by my "best" friend and her sicko brother. All this started at age 4 or maybe earlier I am not sure. My grandpa started it and I still told myself "hey he loves me" and that it was OK to let him do the things he did to me. Little did I know that letting "him" touch me and things would destroy my childhood and that it would change my life for good. As the abuse got worse, "April" and her brother "Fred" they did things much worse to me.

This is when those feelings started when "April" would do things to me sexually and they made my feelings more alive. I felt safe with her and In doing it with her... I never had the pain as I did when my grandpa and her brother hurt me.

As I got older these feelings got much stronger and I had 2 relationships growing up. The one I still see on and off.

When I got into it with "Janet" I was getting more confused and this lasted 2 years. Of course along with this I was into looking at porno (WHICH I DON'T NOW) but then I did and stuff, I felt that GOD left me to go about my merry way, which I did. I have struggles with this "feeling" for over 35 yrs and have acted on them occasionally. When I did I would drink wine and smoke to cover the pain I was in from all the rejections, the being unloved, being neglected and so forth. So I told myself that what I was doing was ok and not "SIN" I met my hubby and got married.

A year later I accepted Christ as Savior, but was still in bondage of lesbian (or bi-sexual) I never dated during high school, I kept to myself because of my "feelings" toward other woman.

We are still married today (22 yrs as of last Friday). The last year I endured 3 rapes which has really intensified my feelings, but even then I didn't act on them until 3 months ago. I really thought that once I was saved, that I wouldn't have those thoughts or desires to do this. Man I was wrong. Since I have been online, I have had 2 online romances, but both have broken up. It does feel good not to feel enslaved to them anymore.

I know GOD is working in my heart to help me overcome these "feelings" I have. I have prayed and ask GOD to help me break free from this.

Of course that doesn't mean we wont fall now and then. I am trying to keep focus on GOD and not let satan feed me his lies. I did have a problem Monday and wished I hadn't listen to the lies. I fell and sinned with "Janet" at home here.

I am glad that I was told about Christians in Recovery and that they are willing to help others break free and live free for Christ. This is my hearts desire: To be free from this. To follow Christ now and not satan and his lies.

~ Mary Jane (Speedy), a member of CIR<.i>

~ * ~
Copyright by Christians in Recovery,
All Rights Reserved. http://christians-in-recovery.org/
This entire site is protected by international copyright laws.
You may not duplicate any of this content on other web sites.
Feel free to LINK to pages on the CIR web site.
Complete Copyright Information

Your membership & donations make this ministry possible.
If you have been helped please:

Join Us  or  Donate

Contact Us