Counseling Tips for Pros

Managing your marriage doesn’t have to be difficult. It takes a few initiatives on your part to get yourself into the proper prospective of how marriage really works. Marriage is about living your purpose and attaining your goals that are related to that purpose.

1. Marriage Takes Team Players

Marriage takes team players working together to accomplish the same objectives. It doesn’t matter what those goals are, but what does matter is how you play the game. For an example, a wife should not go her own way, and not consider her husband and the husband should not go his own way without considering his wife. What is that anyway? That’s not the intention of Gods design for marriage. I think that’s downright selfishness.

Question: I am having a really hard time deciding on appropriate boundaries for me and what would be in his best interest as well. I have explained in the past that my husband is typically much sweeter when he has drank and easier to get along with, unless a conflict arises. Most evenings he will have a few beers before he comes home from work (I'm not sure how many) and whenever we have date nights he orders a few beers or margaritas. We went to a Christian marriage counselor in the past and he was helping us come up with a compromise in this area. He thought a good one would ask my husband to limit his drinks to two when we are out on a date or a social gathering or whatever. Do you think this is a good boundary or should I require no drinking when we are out together?

Ask Angie: I have been married to an alcoholic for 16 years. I have detached in love and have been very active in my church and creating a life for me and my children outside of the alcoholism. The alcoholic in my life doesn't seem to mind any of this and it actually seems to relieve him from the responsibility to be a dad and husband. He does work hard on his job and so he feels that’s all of his responsibility and likes when he's home to drink all day and play video games and ignore us. I hate being with him. It's a very lonely marriage. My two older children are becoming more upset by his lack of desire to be with them.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed
by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good
and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2 NKJV

Over the years one of the questions I get asked most often is, “How do I know God’s will in my situation?” At the risk of sounding trite, discovering God’s will in any situation or circumstance really isn’t that difficult. God doesn’t play guessing games with us, and He doesn’t delight in making us take wild guesses only to discover we did the wrong thing. God’s will for us is outlined perfectly in the Scriptures, but that’s where we run up against problems.

If you really want to save your marriage, you must start with a clean slate. That means to get rid of the worldly attitudes and practices that have polluted your marriage and follow God’s plan for your marriage instead. We’re so used to treating our marriage like everyone else does, or the way we were taught, or from what we think is the right way to handle it, but look where all that has gotten many of our marriages of today.

Do you want your marriage nursed back to health? If you want your marriage restored it will take some effort on your part. Stop peering over the fence at your neighbor, and put your eyes back in your own yard where they belong.

First, the offended spouse needs to forgive completely (see my article, forgive a cheating spouse), and secondly the offender has to understand why he strayed from the marriage bed in the first place. Infidelity is only a symptom of a greater problem within the framework of the marriage.

If you have been unfaithful or have anything else pulling you away from your spouse, ask yourself why? What am I doing that would cause me to be disloyal? Don’t blame your spouse for your weakness. Grow up and take responsibility.

Ask Angie: Is divorce the only answer for a repeat cheater?

Ask Angie: How do I stop him from cheating on me?

Ask Angie: My husband confessed to cheating I was so hurt I threw him out of our home and we are now separated, he has been treating me worse than ever and is acting like he was when I suspected his cheating what should I do? I'm so confused.

Ask Angie: My husband left me and moved in with a woman, for the second time! He came back complaining about her but left again. I am a Christian and want my husband back. He's been gone 5 weeks with no contact. We have 3 children. The woman he is with is married too, and to number 4? Is restoration a reality?

Last week, David Powlison of the CCEF posted a superb series entitled
"Making All Things New: Restoring Pure Joy to the Sexually Broken". The 2-part article went into some depth in giving biblical counselors insight in identifying problem patterns in those who struggle with lust and pornography, as well as helping the counselee truly grasp the grace Christ offers and allow himself to be transformed from within. I highly recommend you read the series (there are many parallels between the life-dominating sins of sexual lust and eating disorders).

In the biblical counseling course I am currently taking, the point is made that counselees will often say that they have prayed about the problem (read: sin), but that is all they have done. Their general hopelessness comes from the fact that nothing in their situation has changed; they are still enslaved; from all appearances, God has not moved. Does He not see or care? From their vantage point, prayer must be ineffectual. This often leads to hopelessness.

He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures. 1 Corinthians 15:4

If your faith stops at the cross--it misses the blessing of the fullest revealing of Christ!

You need a Savior who not merely two thousand years ago went to death to redeem you--but one who also is alive to walk by your side in loving companionship.

You need a Savior who can hear your prayers, to whose feet you can creep in penitence when you have sinned, to whom you can call for help when the battle is going against you.

You need a Savior who is interested in all the affairs of your common life, and who can assist you in every time of need.