Overcoming Porn Addiction and Impotency

Ask Angie: How do I handle impotency? We have been married for 23 years. We have not had sex for the past 2 1/2 to 3 years. Nor is there any intimacy. We fell in love and got married. But he was subscribing to pornographic sites, which used to send emails (about 20 - 25 per day) I confronted him with it and he was furious. (This was something I found out about 3 years ago) How do I handle this situation? He won't go to a Counselor or a Dr. either. We have 2 grown up kids. I don't think that there is another woman involved. I spoke to him about this but nothing is forthcoming. What should I do?

Ask Angie: I have been married for 12 years now and have been putting up with my husbands addiction to porn the whole time, just recently I have brought it up again and he states to me that he has had the problem before we met. I have been sexually abused as a child and because of that there are certain things I am uncomfortable doing in the bedroom however have found these images on the computer, He has said to me before that I am boring in the bedroom and that really hurts, he said his addiction has nothing to do with me but not sure about that. I often cry and am very depressed, not sure if I should turn to my pastor over it, I'm afraid it will cause more problems, thought I would try emailing you first.

Marriage Guidance: I am really sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured in your marriage. Do not blame yourself because addiction does not have anything to do with the person the addict is married to, but with what the addicts have allowed themselves to become through their choices.

You want to know what should you do? You should take care of YOU! Read this marriage guidance with your husband and or print it out. Look up the bible verses together. Click on the links within the article to have a better understanding of this issue and what to do.

Do not let your husband's addiction consume your life. Addiction will not only ruin the life of those who abuse it, but those who love the addict. Porn addiction is greedy desire, which adds up to lust. It hurts marriage considerably because the addict is overly obsessed with it rather than the welfare of his family.

Viewing porn is like playing with fire. It is greed within a person who craves something or someone that does not belong to him or her. Addiction is a craving, desire and lust so strong that it keeps people away from purity and righteousness of their Creator and instead living in sin. Don't keep away from God like your husband is -- help yourself so you can help him.

Steps Toward Healing From Husband's Porn Addiction

* Talk to husband about his addiction – talk about it.

    Don't keep sweeping the problem under the rug. Get it out in the open and talk about it like two adults. The reason why a husband becomes angry when a wife finds out about his addiction is because he is ashamed, embarrassed, confused, guilty and frustrated not only that he got caught but that his wife found out about his addiction.

    Don't tell your husband what he needs to do or what he should do. Let him know that he is hurting himself and his relationship with God. Let him know that his addiction is hurting you and the marriage terribly. Open yourself up to your husband -- let him feel that he can trust you with his emotions. Let him know you love him and are willing to help him in his efforts to discontinue in the addiction. Never yell at, scorn, or shame your husband for his addiction, but rather encourage him to get help for himself and the marriage. Talk WITH your husband about this problem rather than talking down to your husband.

    Your husband most likely already feels guilty over his addiction. Let your husband know that he can conquer porn addiction and be a better person in the Lord. Talk to your husband about the importance of forming a new relationship with God. And be a good example yourself so your husband may see Jesus Christ working in you through your actions.

    Some people think that to have a relationship with God means "going to church" but nothing is further from the truth. In fact going to church may hinder a full understanding of God and having a relationship with him, simply because people believe God is only in Church on Sundays. But God is omnipotent and with us everyday and everywhere in Spirit and in Truth -- you only have to have faith to believe that and trust in Him.

    We bring God's guiding truths and principles into our life through humbling our sinful lives to Him. Giving up our addictions, worldly desires, and negative emotions to Him. Open your bible and ask God into your lives now -- today!

    If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

    Confessing our sins frees us to enjoy fellowship with God. Understand that God wants to forgive us -- He wants to forgive you! True confession involves a commitment to not continue in sin. We wouldn't be genuinely true to God if we planned on committing the same sins over and over again. That means you should also pray that God help you to defeat the sin next time you are faced with it.

* Put Away The Computer

    If you do not need the computer for business then stow it away temporarily in a closet -- this is something that you and your husband have decided to do together -- don't just do it on your own. The process of intervention and healing should involve your husband too. You wouldn't throw an alcoholics booze down the drain because that tactic does not work, they'll just go get more. What does work is being there for the alcoholic and working together as a team to defeat the drink. In the same way, if you stow the computer away without talking it over first with your husband, he will only find another way.

    Overcoming addiction is a team effort -- your support in the addict's time of need may be what actually helps the addict overcome addiction and accept Jesus Christ. The reason why you stow away the computer is because you don't want to make it easy for the addict. Get everything out of the house that would become a temptation. Videos, magazines, computer, late night TV…do whatever it takes.

* Read The Bible Together and Pray Once a Day

    Go to a Christian bookstore and together pick out some good Christian materials, such as a good study bible, and inspirational affirmations and devotions. At first you may not feel like reading the bible together, but do it anyway. Reading the bible brings encouragement, contentment, and compassion, love and hope into our minds because when we read God's Word He fill us up with His Love!

    By doing this and praying together you will begin to build a relationship with God and become closer to your spouse at the same time. Remember, once a day read God's wisdom filled words, even if you don't feel like doing it, and pretty soon it will become something that you both look forward to doing as a couple and you will restore your marriage to better than it ever was.

    How should you pray? Pray the Lords Prayer together every day. Pray for each other and that God keep satan out of your marriage.

* Addict Needs To Be Accountable

    The big problem with addiction is the addict thinks they are not accountable to anyone. They do not understand the concept of being accountable to the one they married. First and foremost, once the addict is freed from the addiction, they need to be accountable to God. Accountability is a must in marriage-without it, it would mean husband and wife could virtually do whatever their hearts desire. Accountability to God means you have put Him above yourself and self-seeking ways.

    Recommit Your Lives To Each Other Again! Once you both decide that your marriage is important enough to work on, intimacy will come back into the marriage on its own time. Be patient and do not rush natural desire -- it will take both of your willingness and effort to do the right thing in the Lord and begin to love one another in the proper ways.

What Does The Bible Say About Lust?

    Lust as described by scripture is an inappropriate and excessive desire or craving for something that preoccupies our mind and actions. Which is exactly what addiction is. When a person becomes preoccupied with lust and desire until it affects their perspective on everything else around them there is a problem -- it's called addiction.

    Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread and the adulteress preys upon your very life.Proverbs 6:25

    Addiction preys upon your very life, whether it is alcohol addiction, drug abuse, food addiction or sex addiction. But God tells us to run from temptation. Would a newly sober alcoholic go to the bar or go to a party where they know there will be alcohol? Not if they want to remain sober and without sin.

    You don't have to let lust control your thoughts and behavior, you can choose to pray about it and run from the situation. Ask God to give you the contentment you need to get past the desire and lust, each time you are faced with it. And God will provide you with what you need. He really will!! Love your spouse and fix your marriage. Make God the most important component in your life and you will come to find happiness and abundance for your marriage.

    For the Grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. Titus 2:11-12

    You are God's creation -- he did not make you with addiction, you have chosen that for your life. Just as you have chosen it, you can also opt out of it and let God go to work in your life and marriage. Who are you? Are you a child of God or are you a part of the godlessness of society? You have to choose!

    For although they knew God, the neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore, God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than God. Romans 1:21-25

    Who are you? If you say that you are a child of God then you have to trust in Jesus Christ with your life! Why are you trusting in created things? How does sin happen? First people reject God and then they make up their own idea of what they think their God should be. But later, because their God is an invented God, they sin. Sexual sin, greed, lust, addiction, hatred, murder, deceit, strife, malice, gossip, these are all sins that we fall into when we reject God. You have to choose.

    Does life without God look like freedom to you? There is no worse slavery then slavery to sin!

Conquering Porn Addiction

    Have you ever read or heard about the story of Samson and Delilah? (Judges 16:4-31) Read Judges to find out for yourself. Here is my recap.

    Samson thought Delilah could do no wrong -- he couldn't see her for the woman she really was -- wicked and evil. Samson was burning with passion for her, but Delilah deceived Samson more than once. She betrayed the secret of his strength to the Philistines and consequently he died.

    Delilah was a deceitful woman with honey on her lips and poison in her heart. But because of his desire and lust he brought on his own death by trusting in her lies. He believed the lies that Delilah loved him and wanted him. So why did I mention this story?

    It is the same way with any lustful desire or sexual craving -- whether it is porn addiction, adultery, fornication, or other sexual sins. Lust destroys "who you are"! (She will prey upon your life). Lust will deceive you into believing the lies you hear from the world. You will get caught up in the lies and your perspective will change about everything else around you.

    Although Samson was very strong and could even strangle a lion, he could not smother his burning lust and see Delilah for who she really is -- wicked and evil! Every time you view lustful images, commit adultery, fornication and other sexual sins, you are being deceived and defrauded into believing the lies of the world. She has honey on her lips and poison in her heart and if you allow her to she will prey upon your life.

DECIDE WHO YOU ARE

Are you a child of God or a part of the godlessness of society? You can conquer addiction by not letting it control your perspective on the world around you. Don't let sin deceive you any longer!

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies or drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. (Romans 13:12-14)

Bible Verses on Lust/Sexual Sins

Proverbs 6:25
Romans 1:26
1 Thessalonians 4:5
1 Peter 4:3
1 John 2:16

Galatians 5:24
Titus 2:11-12
Ephesians 2:3-6
2 Timothy 2:22
James 4:1-4

1 Corinthians 6:13
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Hebrews 13:4

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Copyright by Angie Lewis.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Angie is a noted author of

How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse?

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